thats all I have to say is I quit life today...
We go from extreme amazing news to rock bottom bad news, and I know everything happens for a reason but right about now I'm tired of trying to find that reason! All I want to do is a live a normal life without worrying about the "what ifs"... and looking back at the past...
When I met John he was already exhibiting the signs of PTSD and I hoped above all hope that it would go away...then he deployed to Africa and he came home worse...he started drinking everyday, he choose his friends and drinking over me and the kids..he wouldn't have anything to do with us unless he was drinking and didn't have to face the real life...then he became violent towards me and had to be moved out of the house..I begged his chaplain and his 1st sgt for help...not to deploy him, to get him into counseling and of course those pleads were ignored and he deployed for the 3rd time..and he got worse and when all hell broke loose in Iraq and he got into the fight with the LT no one would step up for him..none of the guys he had helped get promoted..had drank with..and pretty much ignored his family for stepped up to be his friend..they ignored him and turned their back on him...I was so freakin pissed. He was good enough for them to use him..to break him and once he broke they wanted nothing to do with him...FUCK Them! I don't give a rats ass anymore about hurting people's feelings...and really they know who they are...my husband freakin bent over backwards to help his soldiers out and in the end he get screwed over by those same people...he was told he was a "Bad Soldier" and that he "Made the Army a bad place"...REALLY????
Maybe that dumbass 1st sgt had been more concerned about a person's health and well being instead of the damn numbers deploying my husband wouldn't be as bad as he is now...wouldn't be considered "unfit" for duty...wouldn't have the nightmares, the flashbacks, the mood swings...who freakin knows because it wasn't about them no one freakin cared!
This is OUR LIFE! We can't go into crowded stores without John scanning people..without freakin out if someone looks at him a second to long...we can't have a normal life because of people ignoring the SIGNS! My husband has had every damn symptom of PTSD/TBI and his chain of command CHOSE to ignore those signs...they choose to put not only my husband at risk but the rest of his squad also... so sick of the Army and the "changes" they're making now after the fact that all these guys are coming home and aren't fit for duty...kind of a bit late isn't... Sorry if this offends anyone but I'm just tired of trying to tip top around people's feelings and in the end its my feelings that get hurt...I just don't care! I want a normal life..I want that house with the white picket fence...and it will never happen...Yes I chose to stay married to my husband and I chose to stay everyday...so yes this is my life and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna live my life and try to be happy...hopefully one day my husband will come back..the man I married he's there deep under PTSD and TBI..he's there...I just have to keep hoping that he can break through the darkness and ugliness of PTSD & TBI...
No comments:
Post a Comment