Thursday, April 28, 2011

But does it really exsist...??

    I belong to a Facebook group for military wives and one "girl" made a comment about how her daddy said "PTSD is just a cowards way of getting out living"...and then she went on to state that her husband and his friends had deployed to Iraq in 2010 and came home "fine" so that must mean that people claiming PTSD are faking it and are trying to get out of doing their jobs...

  Well I must thank this girl for opening my eyes to the "truth" about the whole time I was thinking that my husband really had a disability and he was faking it the whole time...REALLY?

  This is the reason most of our vets will not get the help they so desperately need because of the misconceptions surrounding PTSD...yes not everyone will get PTSD, most guys are coming home from the latest deployments to Iraq without PTSD because its a different time and a different place then it was 5yrs ago...or even 3 yrs ago...we aren't hearing about soldiers dying as much in Iraq as we did 3yrs ago. We still hearing about them but instead of multiply deaths weekly we hear about 1 or 2 soldiers losing their lives in that area...what is going on in Afghanistan is what our guys were dealing with in Iraq all those years ago.

  The stigma towards PTSD is still very prevalent in the military among the Chain of Command and the soldiers themselves...its almost like their view PTSD as a contagious disease that they can "catch" or being around a comrade that has PTSD is making them weak...I've seen that first hand with my husband...and his former friends and Chain of husband was a "Good soldier" and a "Good NCO" all his NCOER's reflected that, he had Top Squad in the company and at one point the Battalion. Til the ugly head of PTSD decided she needed to show up...and that's when we found out how quickly people can turn their backs on you...but that's neither here nor there anymore for us...we've managed to move on with our lives and look towards a future without the Army...

  But wait I move off my subject...since according to this 1 person and her family PTSD doesn't exists how can so many men and women have it a mass group of people defrauding the government...its a conspiracy to make the world feel sorry for them..yea that's it..the 100,000 + people that are coming back from deployments are faking it to get sympathy from complete strangers...WOW that's a lot of people to organize...*shakes my head* some people have no concept of how completely ignorant they sound...thank you for showing me the errors in my way there wise person from Facebook without your "knowledge" of PTSD I would still be living a life of complete fakery(made up Heather word)...*Laughing*

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


For many that don't know a war widow recently took her life...she fought a battle of trying to raise her children and move on with life without her soul mate...and that battle was just to much for her...people will judge her, call her selfish, and a bad mother...but really we have no idea what she was feeling, how the hopelessness of her life had consumed her. She was a person that had loved and lost. Her battle was to hard for her to do it alone....

I can from my experience share a bit because I did try to end my life...looking back at it, its still hard to feel the depth of pain and total darkness in my life. Its like having a cold vise around your heart, your body.Most people assume that I wasn't thinking about my kids, my husband, my life..and that's not true. I was thinking about a small part of my brain I was but the pain was so horrible it felt like my entire body was falling down a pit and I couldn't stop it...I would claw at the walls and still slip. I had dealt with so much(deployments, divorces, kids, death) so there wasn't just 1 thing that drew me to that edge it was a lot of little things compounded on me and I just couldn't handle it anymore...I just wanted to forget the life, the world, the pain...people can judge me and that's their business they have never walked a mile in my shoes, they've never dealt with what I've dealt with...I tried to live life like it was normal..I didn't show any outward signs, I didn't do what a "typical" suicidal person does, I didn't give my belongings away, I didn't cut off friends, I didn't do any of that..I just stopped caring..I just wanted the pain to stop.

I swallowed a bottle of pain meds, I think it was flexerall, I went into the living room, curled up on the couch and started to sleep but then a small piece of my brain screamed at me and reminded me I have a family, I have kids that need me...and I did reach out and had a friend call 911...I remember my house being full of EMT's, fireman, and Mp's and I remember them trying to talk to me and I remember trying to answer them but I couldn't...the next memory I have was being in the ER having charcoal forced down my throat and a nurse attempting to put an IV into my hand...and then I was back asleep. I woke up to see my friend Amie being at the ER with me and I remember her fussing at me(gotta love Amie) and I remember being transported to another hospital and there I slept for about 24hrs trying to get the rest of the drugs out of my system..I spent a week in the hospital trying to regain myself...the person I had lost. She's still not completely back but she's getting there...people can say that they would know to get help and they would know they'd never try suicide but til you are in that position you can't say what you would do...I know I can't ever judge a person that has committed suicide...because I've been there in their spot, I've felt hopeless and cold...

For Service members and family and Veterans
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1.800.273.TALK (8255)

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Memory Game...

I remember being little and playing memory all the time...loved that game because my memory was pretty freakin good...and still is...hell when I have to keep 3 people's schedules organized to include work schedules, doc appts and everything else I rock...LOL

Now lets turn over to the guy that lives in the house with me..his memory is freakin horrible..and continues to get worse, which has its advantage (lol) but the past 4 days now he's locked his keys in his truck while they're in the ignition which ok everyone does but this last time he actually locked his keys in the truck while the truck was running...ugh..thank goodness for roadside assistance because they've been life savers...getting to know the tow truck driver pretty The part that is worrying me is that he doesn't remember even starting the have to get with his TBI doc for another check out the memory lobes of his brain to see the changes...kind of worried about this appt...

Its also to the point where I give him his meds, because he can't remember if he's taken them..he doesn't remember having conversations with people, he can't remember certain basic things...ugh...wish this wasn't happening to him..

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Another Hero Lost (song)

Everyone says there's a song that inspires them, makes them think about life, whatever...well I asked hubby what song(s) made him feel or think and this was the song he thought of...among many but for his this song has a very special place because of his friends that he's lost during the past 10yrs of a very long war...sometimes it takes something small, like a song, to impact a person and sometimes it takes something as massive as a war to impact a person...and for our life its the impact of both a song and war that has made its effects known in our life. Our lives are our lives...we choose to live it the best we can and to deal with the little and big issues that come through each day. We can honor those that have lost their lives by living each day, by remembering them and their impact on our lives...

The band is Shadows Fall and the song is called Another Hero Lost...

I'll never leave you
But fate has come to silence me
Darkness is all that I see
I cannot reach you
And soon the earth will cover me
It's become so hard to breathe

Forever is waiting
The final steps you're taking
Will soon be buried in the sand

All of the battles
They say we won
They leave another thousand lives undone
Another thousand lives [undone]

Forever is waiting
The final steps you're taking
Will soon be buried in the sand

You're gone but not forgot
Another hero lost
The sorrow builds with every passing
All the lessons that you taught
And all the light you brought
It's all in the eyes of your son

[No words]

Forever is waiting
The final steps you're taking
Will soon be buried in the sand

You're gone but not forgot
Another hero lost
The sorrow builds with every passing
All the lessons that you taught
And all the light you brought
It's all in the eyes of your son

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Military wife survery...

Did this because I can't think of much to write today :-)

1. How long have you been a military wife? almost 7yrs

2. What branch of service is your husband? Army

3. Active/Reserve? Active Duty

4. What is his job? he's a Wounded Warrior...or a Warrior in Transtion

5. How many deployments have you gone through? He's gone through 3...we've been through 2 together

6. Camo or Dress uniforms on your man?  I wish they hadn't gotten rid of the BDU's...but I like my husband in civilian clothes

7. What do you like about being a military wife?  meeting all sorts of people...I love getting to know people and learning new things
8. Do you live on base?  Yes we do...

9. What is your favorite base so far? I miss Ft Stewart...homesick most family is all there...and I miss being close to the beaches and seafood...

10. What is the hardest part of the military life? Trying to be an advocate for my husband...

11. Do you go to the grocery store or Commissary? I shop at the commissary right now due to the fact the closest nice grocery store is about 20 mins away...
12. Do you work or stay at home? Well...I work parttime when I can, I also work as far as going with hubby to all his doc appts, I drive him to his appts, I cook, clean, take care of the house, the bills, so I guess I'm, both right now.
13. Do you have a lot of military wife friends?Not really...most of my military friends kind of dropped me once John became a Wounded Warrior..
14. Do you prefer Walmart or the BX/PX/NEX/MCX? Walmart but I hate driving into town to get there...

15. How did your husband propose? he was very sweet and very nervous..he said he knew he wanted to marry me after 3 mos of dating...

16. Did you marry him after he joined or before?  LOL...he was in when we out while we were engaged...and rejoined right after we got married...

17. How long have you been together? almost 8yrs :-)...we'll be married 7yr in Nov

18. Any kids?  not together but he loves my kids like his own

19. Any kids yet to come?  no...

20. Is your husband one of those "I am soldier hear me HOOAH" kind of guys?  Hell No! He's one of those "F*ck the Army" guys...the army used and abused him and now trying to screw him over...

21. Have you ever done combatives with your husband? yeppers...he still can kick my butt...but I can give him a black eye

22. How many bases have you lived at? 2

23. If you could change one thing about the military? how disable vets are treated...and to get rid of the stigma of PTSD...I loathe that people assume that people with PTSD are faking...that pisses me off
24. Do you like military balls? meh...they're ok but I won't go out of my way to go to one if John doesn't have to...

25. Where does your family live? His family is in South Carolina...mine is in Georgia, North Carolina, Ohio

26. What do you do for a job? I am a subsitute para, fulltime caregiver, fulltime advocate, mom, taxi driver, maid, nurse, cook, and whatever else life wants to throw at me

27. Have you ever gotten in a fight with an NCO's wife? Ummmm an officer's wife YES
28. Name one thing you do when your husband is gone? keep busy

29. Do you think other wives do that too? I'm sure they do in someway or another...some not in a good way though...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Grass...

So we have this patch of yard that has been trampled by the 3 dogs...all the grass is gone...and there is nothing but dirt and god forbid when it rains or snow melt it turns into a HUGE mud wrestling pit for the girls and 3 dogs in and out all day does wonders on my floors with the mud...well a couple weeks ago we decided we're gonna plant grass seeds and hope for the off to Home Depot we went and got grass seeds..a plastic web fencing thing thats great to keep deer out but not Great Danes and some stakes to keep the fencing in a spot..and we planted

We monitored the seeds..kept the dogs away from the area(not a small task)...watered the mudhole to help the seeds grow...dealt with birds stealing the seeds..and wind(gotta love 40+mph wind)..

Well a couple days ago I noticed we have GRASS!!
Woohoo...and then this morning I noticed we have several patches of grass...super excited...

Hopefully we won't have to resort to sneaking down to the new housing unit and pulling a Fun with Dick and Jane scene..ya know taking the butcher knife to the lawns and cutting out patches...LOL

That'll be us not really...though ya know with the whole crazy husband thing he could get away with it..hee hee

Anyways off to do some more yard work today and hit the commissary to get food for the family...everyone have an amazing day

Friday, April 15, 2011

Just feeling...

kind of blah today...and a bit like life is passing by me and yes forgotten. Since John's injuries continually got worse and I made the decision to quit work full time to take care of him it feels like life is speeding by me and everyone around me has moved on and I'm stuck in one point of life. I understand its easier to ignore me by most people because I am a reminder of something no one wants to deal husband is a reminder to people of a stigma that most soldiers and families don't want to deal with or acknowledge. And I get that...if it wasn't my life and I wasn't living it I'm sure I'd be avoiding someone like me also...I can honestly say it hurts like hell...

I do know I'm not alone in the world especially when the its announces that a 100,000 + soldiers are coming home from deployments with PTSD and thousands others are injured. I still feel alone...its like standing in a crowded room and you're screaming for someone to look at see that you're in pain and you're hurting and they keep on walking by...afraid to look you in the eye because that makes them notice someone be drawn into someone else's pain...and we are so involved in our lives that its hard to do that. And I completely get that...but every once in awhile it would be nice to hear someone say "Hey, you're not alone"....

Makes me wonder I alone?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What a week...

This week has been a pretty steady week..John had to get his epidural shot on Monday and it didn't work his pain is still there and sometimes its worse...*sigh* so our next step is to meet with a Neuro surgeon for possible surgery which makes me nervous since they'll be operating close to his lungs and heart...but hopefully it'll give him relief...that's my biggest hope is that the pain goes away for him...

Tuesday~John got the 1st confirmation letter from the VA letting him know that they got his paperwork was cracking us up what all reviewing him for..along with the chronic PTSD, back issues and anxiety issues, they're also checking on his TBI, memory loss, sleep issues, heartburn(yes heartburn because of the stress) his headaches, and a few other issues...boy my husband is falling apart. I also subbed on Tuesday to get out of the house for a bit.

Wednesday~ I met with the AW2 coordinator and found out that the original person that was there when John did his intake didn't do her job and had none of his info put in their program and so I got to fill out a lot of paperwork...and bring her his medical records and permanent profile to them...and then we had to go off to Social Security because John can't find his we're sure its floating around in a desert somewhere either in Iraq or Africa..not sure. Oh John got his appt list from the VA..woohoo..for the most part a lot of his appts are here at Irwin but a few are in Topeka so that's not to bad but the price of gas sucks and my Tahoe loves to suck down the gas...

Thursday~ Today I have to meet with my FRSA so we can go over FRG stuff and get some plans in motion to have a potluck next month and a few other things. Get with AW2 (again) so she can go through John's MEB records to get some info and then John has an appt today for yet another referral this one is for going back to the TBI clinic...his memory loss is getting worse and his coordination is off a bit more so that has us both worried.

Along with all this...Kristi is off to Topeka today with the JCHS Concert Band for a band competition...and Robert has all his stuff getting ready for graduation and whatever he's planning on doing after graduation. We're due for a huge thunderstorm sometime today which is gonna make sleeping impossible at my house...all in all it's been a pretty hectic week so far...good thing I absolutely LOVE my family hee hee...and my life :-)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The little things...

So I'm sitting here at 5:53 in the morning...drinking my tea and enjoying the quiet before the day starts...and it got me thinking about all the little things in life that are overlooked each day esp by me because I'm always on the go...sometimes I take for granted this small bit of time in the morning when the dogs are sleeping and the house is nice and quiet.

I also seem to forget to be thankful for days when my husband smiles and laughs...when I see a glimpse of the wonderful man I married almost 7yrs ago...I also forget to be thankful that he's alive...he's here with me and our family...esp when I'm complaining about running around and dealing with appts...and the stress of a TBI, PTSD and his back injuries. I know I absolutely love my husband and even on days when I want to drop kick someone I am so grateful he's home with me.

I see all these young wives dealing with such despair and heartache when their soldiers do not return to them and that breaks my heart. I have followed one extremely amazing wife's very lows and some of her highs since her Marine was KIA on Dec 1,2010...this amazing woman was a newlywed when her world came crashing down around her and yet she's managed to live her life with such class and strength...I am in complete awe of her, her courage to fix life and to keep moving even when she doesn't want to...and I encourage anyone that reads my blog to check hers out... through everything she reminds people to love each other and not to take each other for granted..

So as I write this I know I need to stop taking the little things in my life for husband's smile and laugh, my kids laughing, the wonderful friends I have in my life..and just life in general...I need to thank Katie Wade for this reminder...because I know on my hardest day when I want to quit and run from life this beautiful amazing woman is facing a life without her soul mate and her heart and she's still doing it with strength and grace.

To steal a quote she has on her page that her husband said I'm gonna finish my blog with this...

"Find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and hold on to with everyone you have" ~Chad Wade

Monday, April 11, 2011


Wow I'm having issues today getting started on this blog...we're getting ready to face a LOT of changes in the next few we'll start with the big changes..

1. Robert is graduating in May...he's not joining the Army and has decided to go to college so hopefully he find his nitch in life. He scored a 92 on his ASVAB and could have any job in the Army but plans sometimes don't work out so off to Plan

2. Kristi Anne is going to be 17 in May also...I can't believe that she's gonna be 17yrs old! She's getting her plans for the next year by taking college prep classes and she now has the goal of working for Pixar as a graphic designer.

3. We met with the VA rep last week to start the VA process of John's MEB. He'll be starting his VA physical and the Comp and Pen. paperwork...which is nerve racking...and a bit of a relief in the fact that things are slowly moving along.

Sometimes I feel like life is out of control..that we're at the mercy of something else besides what we have planned for our lives..I know that with this whole process my control factor doesn't matter and that kind of drives me a bit batty...the only thing I can keep in control is how I look at things and life...I've been trying hard to stay positive not only for myself but for John and the kids...its just kind of weird that 2yrs ago we would of never even thought about an MEB or VA reps or retirement in that scale of life...we had planned on John eventually getting out but most likely not til 20yrs...and I guess a higher power has other plans...

Its strange looking back almost 8yrs when I met John I never thought I'd be in this spot being a fulltime caregiver to husband was always so fit and able to take care of himself...somedays he can still do it but other days the memory loss..the aggervation...the whole process takes it out of him...and I know it takes a lot out of the kids too...we've all started taking a protective stance with John...when we go somewhere we all scan and make sure that we're not only protecting John but the people around because of his triggers...and that makes me sad that my kids have become this way...the only thing I can hope for is that this has taught the kids to be more compassionate and understanding that people can not control things and even if someone doesn't look disabled to look below the skin. We have watched John deterioate in the past 6 1/2 yrs and after each deployment it got worse til the point we're at now...

Ok now on to the positive things of life here...Robert is I said he's not joining the Army but has decided to go to college and get his degree...he'll start out at the small community college here in JC called Barton since they offer free classes to military dependents so thats gonna be a huge help!

Kristi Anne is going to be 17 on May 14th...*sigh* I can't believe how fast time seems to be moving...I remember my chunky cheeked toddler with curly she's taller then me and straightens out her hair..LOL...

I wish I could stop time just for a bit to enjoy the small moments...but I can't...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Where there is love there is no darkness...

So I found this quote "When there is love there is no darkness"...and it made me realize just how lucky I truly husband is home with me, even in the darkest hours of our life our love makes it easier to see a future...

Our story isn't the one that all fairy tales are based off of..for from it, my husband is not some knight in shining armor that has come to my rescue on a snow white steed to whisk me away from husband is a wonderful, caring and damaged man. He isn't damaged in the sense that you can see his wounds..if you could I'm sure that most people would completely avoid him. My husband tries hard each day to function in what is expected in normal settings which is hard for him since he's not "normal"...most of the world will never have to live their lives the way we do...while families everywhere take for granted a quick trip to Walmart or going to the movies...we have to plan it on quiet days..we don't run out to see the latest movie because of crowds..but then of course most families don't have an injured soldier in their house.

We've turned into "homebodies" in all sense of the word...we do occasionally go out and have dinner or head to Walmart but most of the time its me that goes out into the world alone. I do admit that I get jealous of couples that are walking hand in hand through the stores because I don't get to do that much, I have 1 amazing friend here that will allow me to "kidnap" her so I have someone with me because I get tired of being alone in public.

I've tried hard to not complain about my life..its my life after all. I've known of people that have lost their soldiers and I know I am truly blessed to have my soldier home with me. Sometimes its hard to look at that one fact that he's home when everything else is falling on my shoulders...I carry a huge weight on my shoulders daily but at the end of each day when I look over and see my husband sitting here next to me I know that it's all worth it...I have loved him for 8yrs and each day my love is still there unwavering. So when you sit at home complaining about how your husband/boyfriend didn't take out the trash..or forgot to pick something up from the store remember that he's home and he's safe. And remember those that have their husbands gone..and those of us who's husbands have made the sacrifice of losing a limb, or being injured or the ultimate sacrifice the lives...and give your husband a huge hug and thank him for being himself.