For many that don't know a war widow recently took her life...she fought a battle of trying to raise her children and move on with life without her soul mate...and that battle was just to much for her...people will judge her, call her selfish, and a bad mother...but really we have no idea what she was feeling, how the hopelessness of her life had consumed her. She was a person that had loved and lost. Her battle was to hard for her to do it alone....
I can from my experience share a bit because I did try to end my life...looking back at it, its still hard to feel the depth of pain and total darkness in my life. Its like having a cold vise around your heart, your body.Most people assume that I wasn't thinking about my kids, my husband, my life..and that's not true. I was thinking about them..in a small part of my brain I was but the pain was so horrible it felt like my entire body was falling down a pit and I couldn't stop it...I would claw at the walls and still slip. I had dealt with so much(deployments, divorces, kids, death) so there wasn't just 1 thing that drew me to that edge it was a lot of little things compounded on me and I just couldn't handle it anymore...I just wanted to sleep..to forget the life, the world, the pain...people can judge me and that's their business they have never walked a mile in my shoes, they've never dealt with what I've dealt with...I tried to live life like it was normal..I didn't show any outward signs, I didn't do what a "typical" suicidal person does, I didn't give my belongings away, I didn't cut off friends, I didn't do any of that..I just stopped caring..I just wanted the pain to stop.
I swallowed a bottle of pain meds, I think it was flexerall, I went into the living room, curled up on the couch and started to sleep but then a small piece of my brain screamed at me and reminded me I have a family, I have kids that need me...and I did reach out and had a friend call 911...I remember my house being full of EMT's, fireman, and Mp's and I remember them trying to talk to me and I remember trying to answer them but I couldn't...the next memory I have was being in the ER having charcoal forced down my throat and a nurse attempting to put an IV into my hand...and then I was back asleep. I woke up to see my friend Amie being at the ER with me and I remember her fussing at me(gotta love Amie) and I remember being transported to another hospital and there I slept for about 24hrs trying to get the rest of the drugs out of my system..I spent a week in the hospital trying to regain myself...the person I had lost. She's still not completely back but she's getting there...people can say that they would know to get help and they would know they'd never try suicide but til you are in that position you can't say what you would do...I know I can't ever judge a person that has committed suicide...because I've been there in their spot, I've felt hopeless and cold...
Thank you for sharing. I am sure a lot of us have thought about it when dealing with all we have to deal with. I am glad you thought to call a friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post! I know it's not easy. What you did, many of us I am sure have considered. You are not alone!
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