Going to Stay Positive...

So after yesterday's massive rant and rave...I'm gonna start to get back into my positive mind set...sometimes its hard to see the good in the bad situtions of life. And with the way our life has been lately its been nothing but a huge black cloud over our life...its hard to keep positive and happy when life seems to deal you one blow after another but I'm gonna try hard...

Today is hubby's MEB briefing, which is a HUGE step in him retiring and tomorrow he gets to review his NARSUM and sign it and off it goes to Ft Lewis Washington to be reviewed...this is the hard part of life having to relieve that complete strangers now have the power to decide how much money they think my husband is entitled to..which is frustrating as hell because these people don't know my husband..they don't know our family and they have no clue what we've been through in the past years...but all we can do is remain hopeful and pray for the best.

So here we go...Expect the worse and hope for the best and thats what we're going to do...

I quit today...(vent)

thats all I have to say is I quit life today...

We go from extreme amazing news to rock bottom bad news, and I know everything happens for a reason but right about now I'm tired of trying to find that reason! All I want to do is a live a normal life without worrying about the "what ifs"... and looking back at the past...

When I met John he was already exhibiting the signs of PTSD and I hoped above all hope that it would go away...then he deployed to Africa and he came home worse...he started drinking everyday, he choose his friends and drinking over me and the kids..he wouldn't have anything to do with us unless he was drinking and didn't have to face the real life...then he became violent towards me and had to be moved out of the house..I begged his chaplain and his 1st sgt for help...not to deploy him, to get him into counseling and of course those pleads were ignored and he deployed for the 3rd time..and he got worse and when all hell broke loose in Iraq and he got into the fight with the LT no one would step up for him..none of the guys he had helped get promoted..had drank with..and pretty much ignored his family for stepped up to be his friend..they ignored him and turned their back on him...I was so freakin pissed. He was good enough for them to use him..to break him and once he broke they wanted nothing to do with him...FUCK Them! I don't give a rats ass anymore about hurting people's feelings...and really they know who they are...my husband freakin bent over backwards to help his soldiers out and in the end he get screwed over by those same people...he was told he was a "Bad Soldier" and that he "Made the Army a bad place"...REALLY????

Maybe that dumbass 1st sgt had been more concerned about a person's health and well being instead of the damn numbers deploying my husband wouldn't be as bad as he is now...wouldn't be considered "unfit" for duty...wouldn't have the nightmares, the flashbacks, the mood swings...who freakin knows because it wasn't about them no one freakin cared!

This is OUR LIFE! We can't go into crowded stores without John scanning people..without freakin out if someone looks at him a second to long...we can't have a normal life because of people ignoring the SIGNS! My husband has had every damn symptom of PTSD/TBI and his chain of command CHOSE to ignore those signs...they choose to put not only my husband at risk but the rest of his squad also... so sick of the Army and the "changes" they're making now after the fact that all these guys are coming home and aren't fit for duty...kind of a bit late isn't... Sorry if this offends anyone but I'm just tired of trying to tip top around people's feelings and in the end its my feelings that get hurt...I just don't care! I want a normal life..I want that house with the white picket fence...and it will never happen...Yes I chose to stay married to my husband and I chose to stay everyday...so yes this is my life and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna live my life and try to be happy...hopefully one day my husband will come back..the man I married he's there deep under PTSD and TBI..he's there...I just have to keep hoping that he can break through the darkness and ugliness of PTSD & TBI...

It's Monday...

and there is SNOW on the ground right now...the last time I looked we were in Spring *sigh* but that's Kansas for ya... So back to the Monday and the start of yet another busy week...today is Occupational Therapy and therapy for the hubby...OT is suppose to help him set his goals and figure out his plans for "Life outside the Army"...which really??? When we don't have a date as to when that life will start it's kind of hard to make those plans but hey whadda I know...LOL... Tomorrow is the exciting day..hubby gets to go to the MEB briefing which is a huge sign that his process is almost over with..WOOHOO...doing the happy dance *which thankfully no one can see*...and we also meet with his case manager to drive that man crazy with more questions :-) then Wednesday is more MEB stuff...and some other appt that I can't remember off the top of my head... The last few nights hubby has had some problems with sleep..either getting to sleep or staying asleep which means I've been having problems with sleep also. His nightmares have been getting worse and he talks in his sleep a lot, I think the stress of the MEB and the pending future is showing itself that way. We have so many plans and ideas we went to get accomplished before and when he gets out and sometimes I have to remind myself that he can't handle the stress like I can...so I have to back off and let him point out what he wants to do. Ohhhh But on a GOOD note~ my fabulous brother got the ball rolling for our house hunt..after trying and trying and getting no where we now have a FABULOUS realtor and our preapproval for a mortage so now we can house hunt and have some direction...I can't wait to buy our house and have the stress of the Army not in our lives on an hourly basis...

Friends

I'm sitting here...and so many thoughts run through my mind when I think of the word "friend"...and I look back at all the people that have called themselves my friend and in some way or another way they were...but now I know 99% of them I could not call if I needed them.



According to the Wikipedia.com the word Friend(or friendship) ~is a form of interpersonal relationship,generally closer then an association, although there is a range of degree of intimacy in both friendship and association.



Now that sounds so offical and kind of sterile...to me a friend is someone that I can call and if I need a moment to vent I can...and hopefully feel better once I'm done...a friend is someone that understands there are a lot of moments in my life that I can't drop everything to go somewhere or just hang out due to my husband's PTSD...I've lost so many people that I thought were my friends, people that now avoid me or just completely ignore me due to my husband and his medical problems. And that makes me sad...I've dropped things at times to be there for those "friends"..and in the end they have dropped me as a friend

So to those few friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin thank you...to those that haven't I guess I should say thank you also...you taught and showed me what a true friend really is...

Just thinking...

So I've been an Army wife way to long and I've seen a lot of really just messed up and idiotic things happen in the Army because of Commanders and 1st Sgts thinking only of themselves...or just completely demoralizing their troops...or cheapen the value and meaning of a medal because its now rank based...

Take for example the Medals that our troops are awarded...there was an article recently talking about how OIF/OEF vets that have TBI(Traumatic Brain Injury) have been denied Purple Hearts because there was "confusion" on the part of the Commanders and even some Doctors about having a cuncussion...really so "Joe Smoe" who cut his finger while in theater by his actions can receive a Purple Heart but "Jack Bob" who was in the middle of constant mortar fire...and everything else who was diagnosed with a TBI wasn't...how on earth can people be confused about that...so now the military has to go back through and make sure those men and women that have TBI's can qualify to get their medal

I don't know maybe I'm thinking..yea that's it I was THINKING...if you broke your leg while doing something besides combat related movements...if you cut your finger on a freaking can of soup...you DON'T deserve a Purple Heart! If you were injured in combat...if you were ambushed and you sustained any injury from that how ever your injury might of happened...even ones that can't be seen..you DO deserve a Purple Heart...how freaking hard is that to understand...I have known some truly deserving people that have a Purple Heart and they have given the the ultimate sacrifice in the loss of a limb or vision or hearing...but really people the Army has cheapened the value of this medal. If a person truly deserve this medal do NOT deny them that right!

The sad thing is this doesn't just stop with the Purple Heart...my husband's last unit came home from a deployment if you were an E-6 of higher you got a Bronze Star...really??? So because you're an Staff Sgt you deserve that medal but if your a Sgt you don't....WTF! I don't know maybe your entire unit deserves that medal...instead you put down the lower ranks for the typical AR COM(Army Commendation Medal) which any giving soldier has about 7 of those because they hand them out like freaking chocolate bars...so its ok to decided that one group deserves one medal and the other group gets something less even though they all were in the same place at the same time doing the same damn job!!?? But wait then that means someone would have to think about things logically...shit and in todays Army that doesn't happen...if its not about how someone can "look good" and push their way to the top it doesn't matter..

So just so people know the qualifcation for the Bronze Star~it may be awarded for BRAVERY, acts of MERIT and MERITOURIOUS SERVICE...do you see RANK in that qualification??? So how the hell does a person get denied that medal because they are a Specialist or even a Private? Me personally I could not wear a medal that I did not earn...that medal is a special medal that like the rest of them should be earned not given way because of rank...you earn it for doing something that makes you stand out...sitting in Iraq for a year at a FOB or a JSS at the time earned EVERYONE that medal but only the select few that were higher rank got this medal.

I don't get it...a lot of soldiers give their entire lives to support the military and yet they get treated like garbage...if you listen to the guys at our WTB they all feel the same "The Army used us up and now is treating us like garbage" is the growing thought among these soldiers...the military has to step up and make right by our soldiers and our Wounded Warriors...they did what was asked of them and now its time set things right...if they earned and deserve a medal give it to them...if they didn't earn or deserve the medal don't cheapen the medal by giving it out to everyone...people have to earn things and realize they did something important for that medal..not because they're a SFC(E-7)...

I don't know maybe my problem is I think to much.....

Dear US Army...

Dear US Army(or whoever is in charge)...

Hey there...you don't know me..or my husband..or my family. I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing! And also to remind you that sitting on some random officer's desk there is some paperwork that needs to be signed. So if you could nudge said random officer to sign said paperwork that would be wonderful...See that paperwork is my husband's NARSUM..which was done and typed up by the 22nd of February and well as you know we need that paperwork to get signed and sent to his PEBLO so we can move on with our lives, ya know MOVE and buy a house, I completely understand that we are on your time table but I believe we have been very patient in waiting almost a month for this paperwork but as you know (or maybe not) its not good being stuck and at the mercy of a machine or even a person. So please hunt down said random officer, get him to sign the paperwork in question and get it sent to PEBLO...while we have enjoyed our time dealing with and working with you we are ready to get out and have a somewhat normal life.

Sincerely,
Heather Moates

Sometimes...

I forget to warn my husband that I'm gonna make some noise...its hard when going through the cabinet looking for a pan and one falls and I know my husband jumps and has a small panic attack. We have a steam mop that makes weird noises and it freaks my husband out..even though he watches me plug it in and I remind him that it's gonna make its noises it still causes a bit of an issue...I've watched my husband flip when a car backfires or a firework goes off...its hard to protect him from the outside influences let along the inside influences...

Its almost a routine that when I go into the kitchen I let him know "Hey going to pull out some pans so if you hear something drop don't worry its me"...but I also know and cringe when a cookie sheet falls and its the floor or even a pan and I run back into the living room and hubby has a bit of a panic look on his face...which makes me feel horrible...

Its hard to adjust your life around PTSD...things most people take for granted..like dropping a cookie sheet by accident and not freaking out their soldier..we have to worry about...we don't get to enjoy the 4th of July or New Years Eve fireworks because the sounds remind him of gunfire...he has never seen our daughter march in a football game or parade because of the crowds and noise...which makes her sad and it makes my husband sad knowing he can't handle the noise or crowds...

Learned something new...

For those that don't know I've been taking a new program that was started here at Ft Riley..its called the Resilient Spouse Academy...basically the gist of it it is to make us spouses more knowledgeable about what resources are available and if we have a friend in need we can direct them to where they need to go...which for a lot of new and even a few older wives is a huge help since there are a lot of programs out there...

The one program that will mentally and physically drain you is the the Asist Program...this is short for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training...you are trained to be able to help in a possible suicide situation...we are called Gatekeepers once we finish this 2 day training...and let me tell you...this will make you cry due to the emotional toll...you have to face your fears and be put on the spot to talk someone out of a suicide situation..granted it is a instructor acting but you are put on the spot to try to connect with a person that is despondent...and it's pretty scary esp when you've been at the point...I plan on taking the 5 day course which will allow me to train in the Asist program...I think we as military spouses need these programs...we need to know the signs and how to help each other and our spouses, esp with more and more soldiers coming home with horrible disabilities both mental and physical and their thoughts are "why live"...

Hopefully in the next year the Army has this program at every post worldwide...this is one program that all Army wives should take...yes the husbands are made to take it, it's also known as Battlemind..but we as wives, women turn to each other in our times of need and we can help each other...

I live to see....

my husband smile...and be silly...somedays its not that easy to pull him out of the shell he's in due to his PTSD but when I can get him to laugh just for a bit it actually makes it seem like life is normal...even for a split second...esp since the day these pictures were taken he had a doctors appt..and some other appts and was just dead tired, as you can see from the bottom picture...but he still was silly for a moment...I think the best way to descibe my feelings at that moment is pure happiness...and it reminds me that deep down the man I married is still here with us...all I can say is that I love my husband with every fiber in my heart and soul even through the hell we've gone through..

I'm up at....

5:30 in the am...why??

Oh wait that's because I am the mom of the house to both 2 legged kids and 4 legged kids...the 2 legged kids don't have school today due to grades and parent teacher conferences so they're still sleeping..but our 4 legged kids are on the routine that the house is moving by 5:30 and that means going outside and eating...so as I was happily sleeping and I'm sure dreaming of Channing Tatum(yum) my 2 great danes~Marley & Luci were slowly & quietly(yes danes can be quiet) making their way down the hall to beat on our door..which they did succeed because I was awoken to the pounding(not subtle knocks but pounding) of dane paws on the door so as hubby was snoring away in his drug induce sleep(lucky).

I rolled out of bed...pushed past 200+ lbs of great danes, tripped over a 80lb black lab who was skulking in the hallway and accidentally kicked the cat(heard the meow)I had my line of critters wanting to be fed and let out..I go to open the backdoor...out goes Luci(because she pushes past everyone else)...then Marley and then Tinkerbell(the lab) and then the cat tries to sneak out...like he does every morning...had to snag him from the back porch...get their food poured let the trio of hell puppies back in and make sure they got their treats and food...tripped over the cat again I think the little rat bastard is trying to kill me some days...cussed a bit..and through all of this NO one in my house that has 2 legs got up...

Am I surprised...now I'd be lying if I said I was due to the fact that hell the teenagers in my house don't function til at least noon...and hubby with his drug induced sleep(lucky jerk) won't move til sometime around 10ish...so right now I'm really not liking my family because the only 4 legged kid that is technically mine is Marley and yet here I am taking care of the other 3...and of course thinking evil thoughts as I type this random blog...and listening to the sirens go screaming across Ft Riley like they do all the time almost debating on being nosey but not this morning...and the snoring of 3 dogs and 1 cat because they're bellies are full and they're happy they woke me up...

So I'm gonna try to get back to sleep...back to my dream about Channing Tatum(yum)....til reality hits and I have to get ready for a Muster Meeting and then lunch with some fabulous friends...and then have to brief the BC on the fundraisers and then who knows....I hear Channing calling my name...good morning all...

The Many Faces of PTSD...

So I haven't written in so very long...but after yesterday I need the outlet today...

As I sit in my living room surrounded by a lot of memories, some great and some very scary thanks to a 3 headed beast called PTSD that I have yet to conquer, I have 2 very special friends that are dealing with that beast right now...

PTSD is a very hateful thing that haunts, tortures and sometimes destroys lives and the people being tortured by her...

You can't look at a person and see the wounds and most times you can't even be around a person and tell they suffer from PTSD...if we could see the wounds that this injury inflicts I'm pretty sure the wounds would be horrible. PTSD turns a lover into someone you hate, a husband into a battle foe, a father into an indifferent person..."she" doesn't care who "she" injuries or the devestation that is left in her path. PTSD can and will make a person wave around a loaded weapon with no disregard to human life or the possible repercussion of those actions...PTSD can make a man ignore his wife and child and slowly slip away into a life that doesn't include his family...PTSD can and will take over not only the person's life but the life of the family..she is jealous and hateful...she is a miserable person that wants to destroy, to hurt, and wound as deeply as she can.

PTSD has become my husband's mistress...she is the bitch that has a piece of my husband that I will never get back. I think it would be easier if I was fighting for my husband with a real live person of flesh and blood but that's not the case..there is no skank I can beat down and go on with life...she has a hold on my husband that I will never be able to break...though each day her hold is weakening but she will always have that piece of my husband and I really hate her for that...but I love my husband so deeply and truly that I will fight for him and our marriage and life everyday and that bitch is in for a battle because my husband will not be lost to her...