Been a long while...

Goodness its been several months since I've written and its been some very loooong months...



The husband just got home from an inpatient treatment facility in Colorado...it was a 28 day program...he had some really rough times there and some good times there...I was so very hopeful this program would at least start my husband on the healing path..but I just dont see it...

In the past week since he's been home his mood swings have been horrible..one day he realizes he needs to get his med board and knows what he needs to do then the next day he just doesnt care about anything...because of everything I'm taking a leave of absence from my job to try to help him get on a steady keal...I just dont think its gonna help to much...I have the option of quitting my job but I'm also worried that if he doesnt start doing what needs to be done he'll end up being chaptered out because he just doesnt care and then without me having a job we'll be screwed even more then we already are...

I'm so frustrated with things...I need a good cry and damn it I dont have the time to do it..I have to take care of everything and everyone ..and I have no help from anyone...ARG!

so brunt out...

now i know the husbands mood changes and stuff arent his fault..but god damn i'm tired of dealing with it at times...i'm tired of trying to keep everyone and everything going in this house by myself! i've seen him maybe 5hrs this week because all he does is sleep...and when he's up all he does is bitch about everything and everyone...i'm tired of it all...its bullshit...sometimes i hate living my life on eggshells because we still have no freakin clue whats gonna turn him into a total asshole towards everyone...

all he does is bitch and complain about how his life sucks..how people piss him off...yadda yadda yadda...its slowly making everyone in our house avoid him..no one wants to be around his ass anymore...

sorry about the vent..i just need an outlet...before i pull my freakin hair out and go running for the nearest airport to hide out somewhere...

when it rains it pours...

Ok...dumb question of the day...

"Did you ever think you'd be married to someone that has PTSD and is mentally unstable?"

Really I got asked that question...which in turn made me think for a split second before I opened my mouth with the smart ass response...

So my brain ran through alot of things...ccbut the 3 I remember are...

1. Who the hell says when they're growing up...when I grow up I wanna marry some guy that will be deemed mentally unstable...Yea buddy...

2. How on earth can people say stupid things like that...if they really lived my life I dont think they'd ever ask that question...

and

3. Can I just bitch slap you?

So upon those 3 random thoughts rushing through my brain I responded about how "its always been a dream of mine to marry some crazy soldier who can't handle crowds..can't handle being around people...that I have to monitor like I would one of my own kids...and I just LOVE how people that are living this life have the nerve to ask randomly dumb questions"

Now mind you this was just a random question while I was waiting the results of my great dane's xrays and labs since she's very sick...and the husband had been on the phone with his case manager and some nosey woman over heard some of his convo before he left to get our son to work...ok so I completely understand convo's are gonne be overheard but good lord...good thing she said it AFTER the husband had left...some people...

On a more sad note..keep my beloved dane in your thoughts...she might have bone cancer..we'll find out on weds the vet at Kstate is doing a biopsy and some other stuff..there goes the savings...good thing we love her gimpy butt...hmmmmmm I have a "disabled" husband why not a "disabled" dog...I need a drink now...

so its summer...

and i'm off for a few months which means i get to go with the husband to his appts...and we're still getting the runaround when it comes to appts and all that stuff...we still have no one telling us when/and if he can medically retire yet..people that are in charge have no clue..and its frustrating as snot...we cant move forward with our plans without knowing if he's gonna get to retire...and i have a feeling we're gonna have to fight to get his retirement since the army isnt gonna want to pay him retirement for ptsd...grrrrrr....so far the past couple weeks have been decent...we met with his case manager last week(eye rolling) she just rubs me wrong..she just looks at my husband like he's a number and not a person and just another thing to push out of her office and move on to the next soldier...his occupational therapist was a..hmmmm...dingbat to put it nicely...very immature...was not impressed with her...i realize this is all new to the army but really it would be nice to find people that are qualified to do their jobs and to act their age when they are at work...either that or i'm just pretty harsh simply because this is my husband..this is our life that is in limbo because of everything that he's gone through in 3 deployments...i dont know...

i'm just very aggervated at the army...i just dont understand how the higher up's choose to ignore all this til we had soldiers killing themselves...and innocent people...then they decided they need to do something and still soldiers are told they're "faking" or "trying to get out of a deployment"...we've heard alot worse from the husband's old chain of command...basically my husband was alienated by people he thought were his friends...guys that he went to bat for to get promoted...to help them out now have nothing to do with him...he's gotten no support from those people...i guess its sad to say but 90% of the people in the army are out for themselves...and screw anyone that helped them out...sorry for my vent its just so aggervating to look at my husband knowing that he's been screwed over and he just doesnt care anymore....

worried....

so the last few days have been rough...husband's memory is getting worse..he's either forgetting to take his meds or just not wanting to take them...which in turn is making his anger and depression worse...his case manager(he got a new one) has been no help at all..which sucks because she's suppose to be his biggest help and well she's not...its frustrating to feel like we're starting back over trying to get him the help for his PTSD...we get over one hill just to find a bigger one behind it...his counseling isnt doing as much either but really they have true veterans with PTSD in a group with soldiers that just cant cut it in the army...guys that have never gone anywhere...but basic..ait and well to ft riley...our next option is for the husband to go to the VA hospital in topeka for a 7 week program...he'd be inpatient there and get to come home on the weekend, which sucks because he doesnt function well without me around for some reason...

today was a scary day...i got home from work and husband was sleeping..which is not unusual because of his meds..but he slept 4 hrs..woke up thinking it was tomorrow morning..he couldnt remember what he had done today...it took him about 40 mins to remember small things..so now i'm worried about leaving him and if this happens again...i'm just glad tomorrow is my last day of work for the summer...because i'll be able to go to appts and stuff again..i love my job but i feel bad because i cant go with my husband to all his appts...and really i need to work...not sure what to do most days...

i guess thats it for now...i'm sure there will be more by saturday...we have a few appt tomorrow and friday...

hello may!

yeah! a new month has arrived...john has finally inprocessed into the WTB and now has plenty of support from the staff with his appts and all that fun stuff...which will be a huge help in the next few months..he has to see a neuro doctor in a couple weeks and he has to go back to see his doctor to get some more blood work done up...hopefully next week we'll finally get the results of his brain scan...without any major computer issues..or anything else...

in 2 weeks our daughter turns 16yrs old...she's gonna have some friends spending the night..which should be interesting...in our little housing unit...and i know her big brother will be hiding out in his room..lol...and i'm sure john will be there too...

ugh...so the entire computer system at irwin and all the clinics were out..go figure so now we have to make another appt to find out the results...and of course john's regular doc is still out sick so...i hate waiting...but thats the joys of the army..hurry up and wait..and of course my nerves are killing me so i've been up and down all night..and now completely up at 4am...yuck...its gonna be a very long day with my kinders...hopefully they are all in good moods...and oh yea today is 80's day at school...should be interesting to see all the cool outfits...and feel really old...lol...i guess today is one of the good days in our lives...

real quick...

i completely forgot...last thursday...knowing that i was having the worst day ever..my wonderful husband brought me flowers and swiss rolls to my job...made my day so much better...heres a picture of my flowers...

its results day...

so today we find out john's brain scan results...i'm actually pretty nervous about this one...its one of those horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach..either way its going to change our lives somehow...

john was diagnosed with mTBI(mild traumatic brain injury) thanks to having mortars(sp) and rockets blowing up a few meters above his head...now we're finding out the extent of the damage...thanks to that his memory is horrible and honestly getting worse each day..its horrible watching the person you love forget the day to day small little details...and kind of scary..i worry each day when i'm not with him...

i have to say that there are days when i'm ready to throw my hands up and quit..but i know i love him and i would never leave..its just a very hard life to live...

its also very hard trying to feel like i have alot of support...i'm here to support my husband and kids...and yet i really dont have a support system for me...i'm not trying to have a pity party...i just needed a small moment of venting..LOL...ok i'm done...off to get the grouchy 18yr old up for school...load the dishwasher...and then get ready for work myself...wake up the other grouchy(john)...if anyone is reading this have a wonderful day!

please tell me its friday...

so today john has his occupational therapy appt..and he swears up and down he has another appt this afternoon..but...he cant find his appt slip and he doesnt have anything in his pda...so i guess we'll find out soon...

so here's yet another word of wisdom...

memory~people with sever(spelling maybe) ptsd have horrible memory..we got john a pda to help with his scheduling and sometimes he forgets he has that thing...so i would suggest that you make sure you as the caregiver get a copy of all appts and put them somewhere you can double check...or in my case i can call the clinics and/or his case manager to find out if he has any appts...

i try to go with john to almost all his appts but with me working its hard and it kind of frustrates me..

so i guess i'll get off here and pray for friday to hurry up to get here...not sure if anyone is really reading this but if you are have an awesome day!

so where did i put my brain?

wow..its been a busy week...my husband had 2 mri's...one for his brain and the other for his spine...he has some serious back issues thanks to carry about 100lbs of gear for 9yrs of army life..we got to see his spine mri thanks to his wonderful chiropractor...she was pretty happy to see somethings with his spine and so was the husband..as for his brain scan we have to wait til we see his TBI(traumatic brain injury) doctor to get the results...i hate waiting for results..

we did have a good laugh last night when john pulled all his medical stuff out...i swear i think we're going to get a few filing cabinets...but its pretty scary seeing just how much medical stuff there really is...and how much more there is to go...

on a good news~well kind of good~more helpful i guess...john was accepted into the WTB/WTU (warrior transtions unit)...basically they help soldiers that are wounded(either physically or mentally) transtion either back into the army or into civilian life...and just help the soldiers prepare for everything that will happen...i'm so glad this has happened its just a huge help for john and myself...now we get to figure out how to handle civilian life...lol

we've been house-hunting...we found a fabulous house...just now have to get all the fun stuff done and loans and ugh everything else buying a house..wish i had a rich family member...LOL...

the kids have been typical teenagers...and driving me batty...but it gives me something else to focus on instead of the huge unknown future of john getting out...not having the army really as a huge part of our life...and the unknown....but life is full of the unknowns..and we're gonna make it!

damn it..whats today??

i've decided i hate waking up early...my daily schedule seems to dictate that i get up early...i wake up at 5ish to make sure my oldest is up..then i straighten the house..then 6am my daughter's alarm goes off..and the battle beings for the bathroom...they head out at 6:50...i start the coffee for the husband..get dressed and make up(dont wanna scare any little kids..) wake up the husband..talk about his schedule..most days its a pretty routine schedule..counseling & group counseling, and then throw in either occupational therapy, a medicine monitoring appt,or some other doc appt...in 2 mos i think he's had a doc appt every day..and for the most part i've been trying to make it to almost all, which can be difficult since i have to take time off from work but it'll be ok...

i'll also add a bit of advice for those that are just starting the process of helping your soldier get a handle on ptsd...make sure you keep all documents...get a copy of medical records...every month we request all my husbands new records(both written and computer)..and be prepared to fight everyone to get the help you both will need...i've heard some mean comments about my husband..everything from he's "faking"..that "he needs to grow up and face life"..to "he's trying to get out of deployments" as much as i want to deck the people that say these things i just let their ignorant comments roll off because i know he's not faking, he is an adult and if he had to deploy again he would...someday people will understand that while you cant see the wounds of a soldier with ptsd they have wounds...

so..not really day one but...

i figured i'd start this simply because i know in the world i'm not the only spouse helping my soldier handle ptsd...some days its pretty easy day and some days it feels like the bottom has fallen out of the world..between doctors appts, case manager appts and medication i feel like our lives have been consumed by ptsd...my husband is a great guy..he's deployed 3 times and i'm sure has seen more then i could ever even imagine...after each deployment he came home a bit changed..a bit more distant...a bit more sad and unable to control his thoughts, his emotions, his actions...for the past few months its been a hectic day to day life..between me working fulltime, handling all his appts, and 2 teenagers that have lives i keep waiting to meet myself coming or going sometimes..who knows maybe i will...lol