ugh...so the entire computer system at irwin and all the clinics were out..go figure so now we have to make another appt to find out the results...and of course john's regular doc is still out sick so...i hate waiting...but thats the joys of the army..hurry up and wait..and of course my nerves are killing me so i've been up and down all night..and now completely up at 4am...yuck...its gonna be a very long day with my kinders...hopefully they are all in good moods...and oh yea today is 80's day at school...should be interesting to see all the cool outfits...and feel really old...lol...i guess today is one of the good days in our lives...

real quick...

i completely forgot...last thursday...knowing that i was having the worst day ever..my wonderful husband brought me flowers and swiss rolls to my job...made my day so much better...heres a picture of my flowers...

its results day...

so today we find out john's brain scan results...i'm actually pretty nervous about this one...its one of those horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach..either way its going to change our lives somehow...

john was diagnosed with mTBI(mild traumatic brain injury) thanks to having mortars(sp) and rockets blowing up a few meters above his head...now we're finding out the extent of the damage...thanks to that his memory is horrible and honestly getting worse each day..its horrible watching the person you love forget the day to day small little details...and kind of scary..i worry each day when i'm not with him...

i have to say that there are days when i'm ready to throw my hands up and quit..but i know i love him and i would never leave..its just a very hard life to live...

its also very hard trying to feel like i have alot of support...i'm here to support my husband and kids...and yet i really dont have a support system for me...i'm not trying to have a pity party...i just needed a small moment of venting..LOL...ok i'm done...off to get the grouchy 18yr old up for school...load the dishwasher...and then get ready for work myself...wake up the other grouchy(john)...if anyone is reading this have a wonderful day!

please tell me its friday...

so today john has his occupational therapy appt..and he swears up and down he has another appt this afternoon..but...he cant find his appt slip and he doesnt have anything in his pda...so i guess we'll find out soon...

so here's yet another word of wisdom...

memory~people with sever(spelling maybe) ptsd have horrible memory..we got john a pda to help with his scheduling and sometimes he forgets he has that thing...so i would suggest that you make sure you as the caregiver get a copy of all appts and put them somewhere you can double check...or in my case i can call the clinics and/or his case manager to find out if he has any appts...

i try to go with john to almost all his appts but with me working its hard and it kind of frustrates me..

so i guess i'll get off here and pray for friday to hurry up to get here...not sure if anyone is really reading this but if you are have an awesome day!

so where did i put my brain?

wow..its been a busy week...my husband had 2 mri's...one for his brain and the other for his spine...he has some serious back issues thanks to carry about 100lbs of gear for 9yrs of army life..we got to see his spine mri thanks to his wonderful chiropractor...she was pretty happy to see somethings with his spine and so was the husband..as for his brain scan we have to wait til we see his TBI(traumatic brain injury) doctor to get the results...i hate waiting for results..

we did have a good laugh last night when john pulled all his medical stuff out...i swear i think we're going to get a few filing cabinets...but its pretty scary seeing just how much medical stuff there really is...and how much more there is to go...

on a good news~well kind of good~more helpful i guess...john was accepted into the WTB/WTU (warrior transtions unit)...basically they help soldiers that are wounded(either physically or mentally) transtion either back into the army or into civilian life...and just help the soldiers prepare for everything that will happen...i'm so glad this has happened its just a huge help for john and myself...now we get to figure out how to handle civilian life...lol

we've been house-hunting...we found a fabulous house...just now have to get all the fun stuff done and loans and ugh everything else buying a house..wish i had a rich family member...LOL...

the kids have been typical teenagers...and driving me batty...but it gives me something else to focus on instead of the huge unknown future of john getting out...not having the army really as a huge part of our life...and the unknown....but life is full of the unknowns..and we're gonna make it!

damn it..whats today??

i've decided i hate waking up early...my daily schedule seems to dictate that i get up early...i wake up at 5ish to make sure my oldest is up..then i straighten the house..then 6am my daughter's alarm goes off..and the battle beings for the bathroom...they head out at 6:50...i start the coffee for the husband..get dressed and make up(dont wanna scare any little kids..) wake up the husband..talk about his schedule..most days its a pretty routine schedule..counseling & group counseling, and then throw in either occupational therapy, a medicine monitoring appt,or some other doc appt...in 2 mos i think he's had a doc appt every day..and for the most part i've been trying to make it to almost all, which can be difficult since i have to take time off from work but it'll be ok...

i'll also add a bit of advice for those that are just starting the process of helping your soldier get a handle on ptsd...make sure you keep all documents...get a copy of medical records...every month we request all my husbands new records(both written and computer)..and be prepared to fight everyone to get the help you both will need...i've heard some mean comments about my husband..everything from he's "faking"..that "he needs to grow up and face life"..to "he's trying to get out of deployments" as much as i want to deck the people that say these things i just let their ignorant comments roll off because i know he's not faking, he is an adult and if he had to deploy again he would...someday people will understand that while you cant see the wounds of a soldier with ptsd they have wounds...

so..not really day one but...

i figured i'd start this simply because i know in the world i'm not the only spouse helping my soldier handle ptsd...some days its pretty easy day and some days it feels like the bottom has fallen out of the world..between doctors appts, case manager appts and medication i feel like our lives have been consumed by ptsd...my husband is a great guy..he's deployed 3 times and i'm sure has seen more then i could ever even imagine...after each deployment he came home a bit changed..a bit more distant...a bit more sad and unable to control his thoughts, his emotions, his actions...for the past few months its been a hectic day to day life..between me working fulltime, handling all his appts, and 2 teenagers that have lives i keep waiting to meet myself coming or going sometimes..who knows maybe i will...lol