I forget....

Some days I forget that I have a good life...

the days when everything feels like it's going to crush me and I can't breathe are the days I need to remind myself that life is good...the past week has been extremely rough on not only me but the husband...we hit a huge milestone for him in the fact that he celebrated the 10yr anniversary of the invasion and that stirred a lot of memories that I don't think even now he's ready to face.

Unfortunately it also stirred a lot of memories in me of almost 10yrs of putting up with PTSD and a TBI...the effects that have had on my husband and our marriage..and I felt myself becoming angry all the time..living this life is nothing I would wish on anyone...let me state ANYONE! We have had to struggle to find ourselves in the turmoil of PTSD...we've lost our marriage a few times, we lost sight of each other and there have been a few moments when walking away seemed so much easier than fighting anymore.

This past week made me step back and look at how much hurt and pride I've had to swallow because I knew that what my husband was saying and doing wasn't totally him...in 9yrs of marriage you can say some pretty harsh things and do some pretty stupid things..but in 9yrs one person does become beat down, angry and extremely hurt. I love my husband...I love the man he was when we first met and the man he is now, sometimes I don't like that man but I do love him.

We aren't a statistic...we are a couple who found each other in the midst of craziness...we fight, we love, we get hurt and we hurt back...but in the end of the day when the house is quiet and I hear him breathing while he sleeps I know that my life is good because at the end of the day I still have him.

I am Lost...can you find me?

Change is necessary....

Change is scary...

Change is aggravating as hell!

Lets face it we all go through changes daily...some good and some bad but our lives are constantly changing.  In my life I have to continue to change, adapt and overcome the huge obstacles in my life simply to find "me" in this mess. Somewhere in this life I've lost myself completely and wholly. And that is a scary realization. How do you just lose yourself?

I sit here and I look at my life and the day to day struggles and wonder what exactly is my purpose in this life...am I a mom? A wife? A caregiver? Exactly who or what am I? I can't even answer this question anymore...I've let the last few years completely beat me up and take away what little identity I had left.

I answer emails, phone calls, text messages from others in the same spot as me and I can help them, I can give them the answers they so desperately need to hear but I can't seem to follow my own advice. Maybe because it's easier to help people than help myself. I can be everyone's cheerleader but not my own. And I can't reach out to others because I know how bad their lives are...

I went on a retreat 2 weekends ago and the location was beautiful, the farm was beautiful and the weekend should of been beautiful but all it did for me was to make me feel just isolated I am...how I can't stand to be near people who through no fault of their own just make me want to climb a wall...I have no tolerance anymore...I have no life. The isolation of my life just continues to scream at me...the voice is so loud that it shouldn't be easy to ignore and yet I continue to ignore it. Maybe there is something wrong with me...I don't know anymore. I can put on a happy face, act like everything is ok but something in me is dying a slow strangling death. I can feel it..and I can't stop it.

I keep hoping that staying positive on the outside will help me feel it on the inside and it doesn't...

It's been awhile...

I haven't been writing in a very long time..I needed to step back and focus on the craziness known as my life. Each day it's a struggle to find some sliver of normalcy in our life, but I do find it.

In the past year we have had some amazing highs and some devastating lows..I've lost more friends and gained 1 friend in their place. We have settled nicely into our little house and for the most part we enjoy the little niche of our life.

Our son is now in West Virginia working as a coal miner and seems to be finding his path in this world..and hopefully each day he finds the right footing to continue on that path. I miss him daily but I know in my heart he will be a better adult for this...

Our daughter is getting ready to graduate in a few short months and head off to SCAD(Savannah College of Art and Design) as a freshman. I'm not sure how I feel about this huge change in her life..and mine! I've gotten so use to having her as my friend/WalMart buddy that when she moves into the dorm I'll have no one to go with me. I will have to call and make plans to see her. The one thing I'm thankful for is that she will only be 25 mins away from home.

The husband is about the same..he struggles with sleep, with crowds, with driving and the normal things we all take for granted. Somedays I see a small part of the guy I knew 9yrs ago, before he started to go down hill. I miss that guy! I am now his fulltime VA caregiver which is a hard balance to figure out between wife/caregiver and a lot of the time the line is blurred. But I have faith that we will find his place in this normal life.

Hopefully each day life gets better...