Change is necessary....
Change is scary...
Change is aggravating as hell!
Lets face it we all go through changes daily...some good and some bad but our lives are constantly changing. In my life I have to continue to change, adapt and overcome the huge obstacles in my life simply to find "me" in this mess. Somewhere in this life I've lost myself completely and wholly. And that is a scary realization. How do you just lose yourself?
I sit here and I look at my life and the day to day struggles and wonder what exactly is my purpose in this life...am I a mom? A wife? A caregiver? Exactly who or what am I? I can't even answer this question anymore...I've let the last few years completely beat me up and take away what little identity I had left.
I answer emails, phone calls, text messages from others in the same spot as me and I can help them, I can give them the answers they so desperately need to hear but I can't seem to follow my own advice. Maybe because it's easier to help people than help myself. I can be everyone's cheerleader but not my own. And I can't reach out to others because I know how bad their lives are...
I went on a retreat 2 weekends ago and the location was beautiful, the farm was beautiful and the weekend should of been beautiful but all it did for me was to make me feel just isolated I am...how I can't stand to be near people who through no fault of their own just make me want to climb a wall...I have no tolerance anymore...I have no life. The isolation of my life just continues to scream at me...the voice is so loud that it shouldn't be easy to ignore and yet I continue to ignore it. Maybe there is something wrong with me...I don't know anymore. I can put on a happy face, act like everything is ok but something in me is dying a slow strangling death. I can feel it..and I can't stop it.
I keep hoping that staying positive on the outside will help me feel it on the inside and it doesn't...
