I forget....

Some days I forget that I have a good life...

the days when everything feels like it's going to crush me and I can't breathe are the days I need to remind myself that life is good...the past week has been extremely rough on not only me but the husband...we hit a huge milestone for him in the fact that he celebrated the 10yr anniversary of the invasion and that stirred a lot of memories that I don't think even now he's ready to face.

Unfortunately it also stirred a lot of memories in me of almost 10yrs of putting up with PTSD and a TBI...the effects that have had on my husband and our marriage..and I felt myself becoming angry all the time..living this life is nothing I would wish on anyone...let me state ANYONE! We have had to struggle to find ourselves in the turmoil of PTSD...we've lost our marriage a few times, we lost sight of each other and there have been a few moments when walking away seemed so much easier than fighting anymore.

This past week made me step back and look at how much hurt and pride I've had to swallow because I knew that what my husband was saying and doing wasn't totally him...in 9yrs of marriage you can say some pretty harsh things and do some pretty stupid things..but in 9yrs one person does become beat down, angry and extremely hurt. I love my husband...I love the man he was when we first met and the man he is now, sometimes I don't like that man but I do love him.

We aren't a statistic...we are a couple who found each other in the midst of craziness...we fight, we love, we get hurt and we hurt back...but in the end of the day when the house is quiet and I hear him breathing while he sleeps I know that my life is good because at the end of the day I still have him.

It's been awhile...

I haven't been writing in a very long time..I needed to step back and focus on the craziness known as my life. Each day it's a struggle to find some sliver of normalcy in our life, but I do find it.

In the past year we have had some amazing highs and some devastating lows..I've lost more friends and gained 1 friend in their place. We have settled nicely into our little house and for the most part we enjoy the little niche of our life.

Our son is now in West Virginia working as a coal miner and seems to be finding his path in this world..and hopefully each day he finds the right footing to continue on that path. I miss him daily but I know in my heart he will be a better adult for this...

Our daughter is getting ready to graduate in a few short months and head off to SCAD(Savannah College of Art and Design) as a freshman. I'm not sure how I feel about this huge change in her life..and mine! I've gotten so use to having her as my friend/WalMart buddy that when she moves into the dorm I'll have no one to go with me. I will have to call and make plans to see her. The one thing I'm thankful for is that she will only be 25 mins away from home.

The husband is about the same..he struggles with sleep, with crowds, with driving and the normal things we all take for granted. Somedays I see a small part of the guy I knew 9yrs ago, before he started to go down hill. I miss that guy! I am now his fulltime VA caregiver which is a hard balance to figure out between wife/caregiver and a lot of the time the line is blurred. But I have faith that we will find his place in this normal life.

Hopefully each day life gets better...

Week 2~Dec 26

So level 2 turned out to be a bit frustrating and it wasn't really anyones fault. The husband started doing his program but due to the servers having problems he had to restart a few times and then couldn't finish a few of the modules due to the servers having to rest. I'm sure due to the holidays that was the problem. Also we did find out the hard way that there was no peer to peer chat yesterday either due to the holiday so that was kind of frustrating for the husband since he really felt the need to connect to someone due to the holiday stress. But once again due to the holidays its completely understandable.

Level 2 is discusses how to build the skills to identify and manage negative thoughts/feelings in his life and how to manage them better. It once again included the interactive video and the husband seems to like that due the fact that he is involved with the program its just not some video telling him to how to fix things it actually helps him figure it out and gives him a chance to be directly involved with the solution. But once again due to the holiday he didn't get to finish level 2 yet so that is what he'll be doing today.

We are still very impressed with the amount of information that his program has. The good thing is each program is geared towards each individual and not just lumping everyone into one group since each PTSD case is different, each experiance is different from soldier to soldier so that is a huge help. It makes my husband feel like this is HIS program and its meant to help him. Not try to fit him into a round hole when he's a square peg so to speak. He is actually looking forward to working on each level weekly and with the weekly reminders he knows what day he has to work on it and so forth. And once again the option to be able to put the laptop down and walk away if he needs that small break is there for him.

So hopefully today he can finish this level, connect with a peer coach and to start applying what he's learned this week into real life.

Here is the link to the Vets Prevail website.

https://www.vetsprevail.org/

Where do I fit in?

Have you ever felt that there is no place for you in the world? Like you just don't fit in anywhere...I've been feeling that way for years. Where do I fit in with society, which my family and even my friends.

I hate the looks of pity I get from people when they find out that the husband is injured and the looks I get when they find out he has PTSD. It seems that PTSD has made me out of place with everyone. If he was missing a limb it would be different we wouldn't be given those looks or comments because then that justifies to people that he was injured and there for its understandable for him to have PTSD or even depression. Now let me say that I would never ever wish bodily harm on anyone, we know guys that have lost limbs and they are amazing men who have overcome their losses and keep improving themselves and the world around them.

Somehow PTSD has defined who we are...how we live our lives and how we interact with people. PTSD has made me question my own self worth because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere..I can't just pick up and go somewhere for a few hours without worrying and making sure that everything back home is fine..I can't feel like its OK to enjoy some down time because I worry and then usually something does happen..so the people I once considered friends have long since abandoned me and the few people that have stuck with through this have a hard time understanding my life at times and I don't blame them.

I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore..she is a shell of a person that has long been gone, this person I see now is consumed by PTSD and the effects it has on not only herself but her entire family. I really hate that I don't belong anywhere...and I don't fit in with society and the normalcy of life...

Something new...

So this week has been both a bit of stress and excitement. The husband is going to be starting a new program online through the Vets Prevail page and I'm super excited about it but kind of nervous.This program is a free program that will help with reintegration and resilience for both Veterans and soldiers. After 2 hospitalizations and countless meds and hours of therapy we get to that point where we're hitting that brick wall again and the backward spiral happens again. I will be blogging weekly about his progress and our thoughts and opinions. We are hopeful that with this under his belt he can have new options in case his PTSD levels get back to a higher level...I do know that Vets Prevail has a lot of wonderful options for our returning vets and veterans from other conflicts. And we're both open to try something to help him..and hopefully with his experience we can help another soldier or family feel like they're not alone on this road...we have felt alone and have had to reach out for help and now we can be that help for another soul. Just remember that you are not alone out there..there are so many of us going through the same battles and we need to stick together and support both the soldier and the family.

Here is the Vets Prevail website...please share it with a Veteran or soldier

http://www.vetsprevail.org/

Living with PTSD

I had to repost this...please read and share

"WHAT WE'D LIKE FAMILY & FRIENDS TO KNOW ABOUT LIVING WITH PTSD"

-Remember that my war experiences changed me. Having PTSD was not my choice, but I have to live with it.

-PTSD is real. I'm not stupid, crazy, or "faking it".

-Realize that going to crowded or noisy places makes me uncomfortable.

-Don't get upset with me when I can't remember something. My memory problem is real.
 
-Don't take it personally or think I am mad at YOU when I might explode or am short with you, or when I get quiet or confused. Be patient with me, it does not mean that I don't love you.
 
-I care about you, I do not want to hurt or harm those that I love. If I am threatening or out of control, it might be best to just leave me alone until I can calm down.
 
-Please respect my need for quiet. It is important to me.
 
-Realize that I have unpredictable highs and lows- good and bad days. And you do too.
 
-I need you to understand that holidays and "anniversaries" are tough times for me.
 
-I feel overwhelmed when you ask me a lot of questions. I will talk to you when I can.
 
-I may never share certain details with you because you have no way of truly understanding everything that happened. Respect that.

How do you Heal..

How do you heal from an injury you can't see...everyday I ask myself that question and everyday its hard to figure out the answer..my husband was injured. You can't see his wounds but they are there. He has memory loss, he has anxiety attacks, he has severe/chronic PTSD and a mTBI..along with other problems but you can't see them..he's not faking, or trying to get the system to pay him for his "injuries".

I've seen the faces of Invisible injuries..I've seen the effect both personally and from others and its not pleasant. Everyday I read the news and articles about trying to get people to accept that PTSD, TBI's and other injuries involving the brain are real...and everyday I see the nasty posts/comments from people that are either to ignorant to understand or just don't care.

We fight a battle everyday hoping that people will understand that that isn't something they can "just get over"...they were/are injured. And if you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there...

Thankful

We're in the month of November already..and its half way done. There is a movement on Facebook people are posting daily what they're "Thankful" for each day..

I've learned through the battle with PTSD, mTBI and the Army to be thankful for the small things in life...the way the sun feels on my face, the smile on someone's face when you help them...the smell of fresh cut grass. There are so many things to be thankful for each day. But the biggest thing for me to thankful is my family & my husband...they are my life and soul. We struggle everyday to have our life..to be in a better place and yes it is a struggle but its something that makes us realize just how blessed we are...we have each other. We have the support of our families and friends...and even at the worst times I can look at those facts and be thankful for everything that has happened in my and our lives.

Makes me think...

So on our fabulous trip from Kansas to Georgia I was in one vehicle with 2 danes, 2 cats and a grouchy teenage girl and husband was driving the Uhaul with a lab as his driving buddy while towing his truck.

The trip was going good til...we made it to a small gas station in Northern Georgia..and husband had problems with the debit card and couldn't get it to work..so he wasn't happy about it and started to have a melt down. I got him calmed down and had him go wait by the Uhaul while I got the gas paid for..there was a woman standing behind me and she made some comments about how my husband was acting like a total jerk and some other things. Well it took everything I had not to rip her head off..then it hit me we are in a whole different world, away from the Army and people that know about PTSD so I calmly explained to her that my husband was injured and has severe/chronic PTSD along with a mTBI and that he can't always control himself and that we have been driving for 2 days already. Everyday our civilian counterparts hear about PTSD, TBI's and other injuries but they really don't understand them, because its something they are not exposed to as much as those of us that are around the military daily.

I don't want my husband to be veiwed as the "weird guy" on the street and I want people to understand that while he has PTSD he is still a wonderful guy...he tries to keep it all together and for the most part he does but like any injury there are residual effects...he can't handle crowds, he can't handle people looking at him, he can't handle loud noises(fireworks, cars backfiring and so forth), he can't be alone for long periods of times because he's impulsive and can't control his actions...and so forth. It's not my husband its a horrible injury that makes him this way...and all soldiers & civilians with PTSD are people..they are living, breathing people who feel pain when they are judged. They feel everything and to be judged and treated like garbage because of this injury is wrong...just because you can't see an injury doesn't mean its not there and just because you can't see the damage PTSD does doesn't mean its not there..I've seen first hand the damages of PTSD. Please don't judge to harshly when you hear someone has PTSD..you never know when you could be facing this injury..

What a week...

This week has been pretty crazy...full of highs and lows...between doctors appts and getting a senior ready to move on to the next chapter in his life...and preparing for our daughter to turn 17 its just been a lot...

Tuesday I went with our WTB FRSA to the IACH(Irwin Army Hospital) health advisory team meeting to discuss getting a team together to go speak to FRG's about the signs of PTSD/TBI's and where to find the support and help the spouses need to deal with this...it was kind of nerve racking to speak to people that have never had to deal with this and really it doesn't effect them...but in the end I think we got them on our side of thinking and they have agreed that this is an issue that needs to be addressed so I'm excited to this venture to start..I do know I want to get involved with them and find out about the training...so I can go be apart of the group. I think this is a huge step for Ft Riley to acknowledge the severity of these 2 brain injuries and hopefully will help fight the stigma.

Yesterday we had John's PTSD/mental health eval at the VA..talk about 2 of the longest hours ever imaginable..some of it wasn't to bad but then there were other times when he was describing in details what he had experianced on his deployments it got bad for him..I learned a bit more yesterday about my husband and what he's gone through since like most military wives we don't know the full extent of what our guys have gone through while deployed.

Today is yet another busy day for us...John got selected to talk to the IG about issues at the WTB so hopefully with our new commander certain issues can be fixed..not saying that ALL of the WTB is bad just like every unit there are the bad apples that seem to be there to just get the extra money and think they're the greatest thing to hit a WTB ever...LOL...

I get to work on a couple new projects with our FRSA..one I'm super excited about is almost like an "Adopt a Warrior" program..we're gonna get with the local VFW's and kind of pair up a warrior and an older vet and hopefully have them meet up once a week for lunch..coffee..whatever...I know guys like John can't tolerate large crowds so maybe a one on one meeting will work better and it'll help the older vets feel needed and apart of the healing process. And then we're also working on a caregivers day for our WTB spouses at Worlds of Fun so hopefully that'll shape up so caregivers like me can have a small break from our warriors...

This weekend is going to be kind of rough...Kristi Anne turns 17yr old on Saturday and Robert is done with high school...my babies aren't so little anymore...wish there was a way to go back to when they were little...and cute and not obnoxious teenagers..but can't change it so on to a new chapter of life...Robert should be leaving for school in a couple weeks depending on a few factors he'll be local so we can still torture..err..visit him and Kristi Anne will be working almost all summer...

What a week already...I need a vacation :-)

Life as we know it...

I can't believe another week is done...sometimes I wish I could just stop time and relive a good day everyday. This week has had its up and downs like every week here. Hubby got told he's gonna need some sort of surgery on his spine(yeah Army)...either a very invasive surgery that involves deflatting the lung and going in and doing a lot of cutting or something that involves almost like an internal TENS unit which seems like the best option for him..and it comes with a remote control so I can shock him whenever I want...bawahahahahahaha..err....ok

Robert is done to his last week of school before graduation and then off to who knows what..he doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up...hopefully he can stop making bonehead decisions and grow up a bit and then he'll be doing so much better!

The weather here has been beautiful this week..minus a thunderstorm last night which of course had hubby freakin out for a bit which in turned messed with my sleep..blah! And today is the NAMI walk for mental health, super excited about this..hopefully Family of a Vet can start educating people about the effects of PTSD and getting the stigma associated with it to slowly go away..so off to Topeka I go this morning to sit with Stephanie to hand out info and talk to people..YEAH us! I'll post pictures about it later today..

After the walk it'll be a long drive back home and then we start working on pitching more junk...how on earth did we accumlate so much junk?? ARG!! But we're making a dent in the stuff...I hope...well think...who knows!

What a week...

This week has been a pretty steady week..John had to get his epidural shot on Monday and it didn't work his pain is still there and sometimes its worse...*sigh* so our next step is to meet with a Neuro surgeon for possible surgery which makes me nervous since they'll be operating close to his lungs and heart...but hopefully it'll give him relief...that's my biggest hope is that the pain goes away for him...

Tuesday~John got the 1st confirmation letter from the VA letting him know that they got his paperwork started...WOOHOO...it was cracking us up what all reviewing him for..along with the chronic PTSD, back issues and anxiety issues, they're also checking on his TBI, memory loss, sleep issues, heartburn(yes heartburn because of the stress) his headaches, and a few other issues...boy my husband is falling apart. I also subbed on Tuesday to get out of the house for a bit.

Wednesday~ I met with the AW2 coordinator and found out that the original person that was there when John did his intake didn't do her job and had none of his info put in their program and so I got to fill out a lot of paperwork...and bring her his medical records and permanent profile to them...and then we had to go off to Social Security because John can't find his card..so we're sure its floating around in a desert somewhere either in Iraq or Africa..not sure. Oh John got his appt list from the VA..woohoo..for the most part a lot of his appts are here at Irwin but a few are in Topeka so that's not to bad but the price of gas sucks and my Tahoe loves to suck down the gas...

Thursday~ Today I have to meet with my FRSA so we can go over FRG stuff and get some plans in motion to have a potluck next month and a few other things. Get with AW2 (again) so she can go through John's MEB records to get some info and then John has an appt today for yet another referral this one is for going back to the TBI clinic...his memory loss is getting worse and his coordination is off a bit more so that has us both worried.

Along with all this...Kristi is off to Topeka today with the JCHS Concert Band for a band competition...and Robert has all his stuff getting ready for graduation and whatever he's planning on doing after graduation. We're due for a huge thunderstorm sometime today which is gonna make sleeping impossible at my house...all in all it's been a pretty hectic week so far...good thing I absolutely LOVE my family hee hee...and my life :-)

Changes...

Wow I'm having issues today getting started on this blog...we're getting ready to face a LOT of changes in the next few months...so we'll start with the big changes..

1. Robert is graduating in May...he's not joining the Army and has decided to go to college so hopefully he find his nitch in life. He scored a 92 on his ASVAB and could have any job in the Army but plans sometimes don't work out so off to Plan C...college.

2. Kristi Anne is going to be 17 in May also...I can't believe that she's gonna be 17yrs old! She's getting her plans for the next year by taking college prep classes and she now has the goal of working for Pixar as a graphic designer.

3. We met with the VA rep last week to start the VA process of John's MEB. He'll be starting his VA physical and the Comp and Pen. paperwork...which is nerve racking...and a bit of a relief in the fact that things are slowly moving along.


Sometimes I feel like life is out of control..that we're at the mercy of something else besides what we have planned for our lives..I know that with this whole process my control factor doesn't matter and that kind of drives me a bit batty...the only thing I can keep in control is how I look at things and life...I've been trying hard to stay positive not only for myself but for John and the kids...its just kind of weird that 2yrs ago we would of never even thought about an MEB or VA reps or retirement in that scale of life...we had planned on John eventually getting out but most likely not til 20yrs...and I guess a higher power has other plans...

Its strange looking back almost 8yrs when I met John I never thought I'd be in this spot being a fulltime caregiver to him..my husband was always so fit and able to take care of himself...somedays he can still do it but other days the memory loss..the aggervation...the whole process takes it out of him...and I know it takes a lot out of the kids too...we've all started taking a protective stance with John...when we go somewhere we all scan and make sure that we're not only protecting John but the people around because of his triggers...and that makes me sad that my kids have become this way...the only thing I can hope for is that this has taught the kids to be more compassionate and understanding that people can not control things and even if someone doesn't look disabled to look below the skin. We have watched John deterioate in the past 6 1/2 yrs and after each deployment it got worse til the point we're at now...

Ok now on to the positive things of life here...Robert is graduating...WOOHOO...like I said he's not joining the Army but has decided to go to college and get his degree...he'll start out at the small community college here in JC called Barton since they offer free classes to military dependents so thats gonna be a huge help!

Kristi Anne is going to be 17 on May 14th...*sigh* I can't believe how fast time seems to be moving...I remember my chunky cheeked toddler with curly hair...now she's taller then me and straightens out her hair..LOL...

I wish I could stop time just for a bit to enjoy the small moments...but I can't...

Where there is love there is no darkness...

So I found this quote "When there is love there is no darkness"...and it made me realize just how lucky I truly am...my husband is home with me, even in the darkest hours of our life our love makes it easier to see a future...

Our story isn't the one that all fairy tales are based off of..for from it, my husband is not some knight in shining armor that has come to my rescue on a snow white steed to whisk me away from life...my husband is a wonderful, caring and damaged man. He isn't damaged in the sense that you can see his wounds..if you could I'm sure that most people would completely avoid him. My husband tries hard each day to function in what is expected in normal settings which is hard for him since he's not "normal"...most of the world will never have to live their lives the way we do...while families everywhere take for granted a quick trip to Walmart or going to the movies...we have to plan it on quiet days..we don't run out to see the latest movie because of crowds..but then of course most families don't have an injured soldier in their house.

We've turned into "homebodies" in all sense of the word...we do occasionally go out and have dinner or head to Walmart but most of the time its me that goes out into the world alone. I do admit that I get jealous of couples that are walking hand in hand through the stores because I don't get to do that much, I have 1 amazing friend here that will allow me to "kidnap" her so I have someone with me because I get tired of being alone in public.

I've tried hard to not complain about my life..its my life after all. I've known of people that have lost their soldiers and I know I am truly blessed to have my soldier home with me. Sometimes its hard to look at that one fact that he's home when everything else is falling on my shoulders...I carry a huge weight on my shoulders daily but at the end of each day when I look over and see my husband sitting here next to me I know that it's all worth it...I have loved him for 8yrs and each day my love is still there unwavering. So when you sit at home complaining about how your husband/boyfriend didn't take out the trash..or forgot to pick something up from the store remember that he's home and he's safe. And remember those that have their husbands gone..and those of us who's husbands have made the sacrifice of losing a limb, or being injured or the ultimate sacrifice the lives...and give your husband a huge hug and thank him for being himself.

I quit today...(vent)

thats all I have to say is I quit life today...

We go from extreme amazing news to rock bottom bad news, and I know everything happens for a reason but right about now I'm tired of trying to find that reason! All I want to do is a live a normal life without worrying about the "what ifs"... and looking back at the past...

When I met John he was already exhibiting the signs of PTSD and I hoped above all hope that it would go away...then he deployed to Africa and he came home worse...he started drinking everyday, he choose his friends and drinking over me and the kids..he wouldn't have anything to do with us unless he was drinking and didn't have to face the real life...then he became violent towards me and had to be moved out of the house..I begged his chaplain and his 1st sgt for help...not to deploy him, to get him into counseling and of course those pleads were ignored and he deployed for the 3rd time..and he got worse and when all hell broke loose in Iraq and he got into the fight with the LT no one would step up for him..none of the guys he had helped get promoted..had drank with..and pretty much ignored his family for stepped up to be his friend..they ignored him and turned their back on him...I was so freakin pissed. He was good enough for them to use him..to break him and once he broke they wanted nothing to do with him...FUCK Them! I don't give a rats ass anymore about hurting people's feelings...and really they know who they are...my husband freakin bent over backwards to help his soldiers out and in the end he get screwed over by those same people...he was told he was a "Bad Soldier" and that he "Made the Army a bad place"...REALLY????

Maybe that dumbass 1st sgt had been more concerned about a person's health and well being instead of the damn numbers deploying my husband wouldn't be as bad as he is now...wouldn't be considered "unfit" for duty...wouldn't have the nightmares, the flashbacks, the mood swings...who freakin knows because it wasn't about them no one freakin cared!

This is OUR LIFE! We can't go into crowded stores without John scanning people..without freakin out if someone looks at him a second to long...we can't have a normal life because of people ignoring the SIGNS! My husband has had every damn symptom of PTSD/TBI and his chain of command CHOSE to ignore those signs...they choose to put not only my husband at risk but the rest of his squad also... so sick of the Army and the "changes" they're making now after the fact that all these guys are coming home and aren't fit for duty...kind of a bit late isn't... Sorry if this offends anyone but I'm just tired of trying to tip top around people's feelings and in the end its my feelings that get hurt...I just don't care! I want a normal life..I want that house with the white picket fence...and it will never happen...Yes I chose to stay married to my husband and I chose to stay everyday...so yes this is my life and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna live my life and try to be happy...hopefully one day my husband will come back..the man I married he's there deep under PTSD and TBI..he's there...I just have to keep hoping that he can break through the darkness and ugliness of PTSD & TBI...

It's Monday...

and there is SNOW on the ground right now...the last time I looked we were in Spring *sigh* but that's Kansas for ya... So back to the Monday and the start of yet another busy week...today is Occupational Therapy and therapy for the hubby...OT is suppose to help him set his goals and figure out his plans for "Life outside the Army"...which really??? When we don't have a date as to when that life will start it's kind of hard to make those plans but hey whadda I know...LOL... Tomorrow is the exciting day..hubby gets to go to the MEB briefing which is a huge sign that his process is almost over with..WOOHOO...doing the happy dance *which thankfully no one can see*...and we also meet with his case manager to drive that man crazy with more questions :-) then Wednesday is more MEB stuff...and some other appt that I can't remember off the top of my head... The last few nights hubby has had some problems with sleep..either getting to sleep or staying asleep which means I've been having problems with sleep also. His nightmares have been getting worse and he talks in his sleep a lot, I think the stress of the MEB and the pending future is showing itself that way. We have so many plans and ideas we went to get accomplished before and when he gets out and sometimes I have to remind myself that he can't handle the stress like I can...so I have to back off and let him point out what he wants to do. Ohhhh But on a GOOD note~ my fabulous brother got the ball rolling for our house hunt..after trying and trying and getting no where we now have a FABULOUS realtor and our preapproval for a mortage so now we can house hunt and have some direction...I can't wait to buy our house and have the stress of the Army not in our lives on an hourly basis...

Friends

I'm sitting here...and so many thoughts run through my mind when I think of the word "friend"...and I look back at all the people that have called themselves my friend and in some way or another way they were...but now I know 99% of them I could not call if I needed them.



According to the Wikipedia.com the word Friend(or friendship) ~is a form of interpersonal relationship,generally closer then an association, although there is a range of degree of intimacy in both friendship and association.



Now that sounds so offical and kind of sterile...to me a friend is someone that I can call and if I need a moment to vent I can...and hopefully feel better once I'm done...a friend is someone that understands there are a lot of moments in my life that I can't drop everything to go somewhere or just hang out due to my husband's PTSD...I've lost so many people that I thought were my friends, people that now avoid me or just completely ignore me due to my husband and his medical problems. And that makes me sad...I've dropped things at times to be there for those "friends"..and in the end they have dropped me as a friend

So to those few friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin thank you...to those that haven't I guess I should say thank you also...you taught and showed me what a true friend really is...

Just thinking...

So I've been an Army wife way to long and I've seen a lot of really just messed up and idiotic things happen in the Army because of Commanders and 1st Sgts thinking only of themselves...or just completely demoralizing their troops...or cheapen the value and meaning of a medal because its now rank based...

Take for example the Medals that our troops are awarded...there was an article recently talking about how OIF/OEF vets that have TBI(Traumatic Brain Injury) have been denied Purple Hearts because there was "confusion" on the part of the Commanders and even some Doctors about having a cuncussion...really so "Joe Smoe" who cut his finger while in theater by his actions can receive a Purple Heart but "Jack Bob" who was in the middle of constant mortar fire...and everything else who was diagnosed with a TBI wasn't...how on earth can people be confused about that...so now the military has to go back through and make sure those men and women that have TBI's can qualify to get their medal

I don't know maybe I'm thinking..yea that's it I was THINKING...if you broke your leg while doing something besides combat related movements...if you cut your finger on a freaking can of soup...you DON'T deserve a Purple Heart! If you were injured in combat...if you were ambushed and you sustained any injury from that how ever your injury might of happened...even ones that can't be seen..you DO deserve a Purple Heart...how freaking hard is that to understand...I have known some truly deserving people that have a Purple Heart and they have given the the ultimate sacrifice in the loss of a limb or vision or hearing...but really people the Army has cheapened the value of this medal. If a person truly deserve this medal do NOT deny them that right!

The sad thing is this doesn't just stop with the Purple Heart...my husband's last unit came home from a deployment if you were an E-6 of higher you got a Bronze Star...really??? So because you're an Staff Sgt you deserve that medal but if your a Sgt you don't....WTF! I don't know maybe your entire unit deserves that medal...instead you put down the lower ranks for the typical AR COM(Army Commendation Medal) which any giving soldier has about 7 of those because they hand them out like freaking chocolate bars...so its ok to decided that one group deserves one medal and the other group gets something less even though they all were in the same place at the same time doing the same damn job!!?? But wait then that means someone would have to think about things logically...shit and in todays Army that doesn't happen...if its not about how someone can "look good" and push their way to the top it doesn't matter..

So just so people know the qualifcation for the Bronze Star~it may be awarded for BRAVERY, acts of MERIT and MERITOURIOUS SERVICE...do you see RANK in that qualification??? So how the hell does a person get denied that medal because they are a Specialist or even a Private? Me personally I could not wear a medal that I did not earn...that medal is a special medal that like the rest of them should be earned not given way because of rank...you earn it for doing something that makes you stand out...sitting in Iraq for a year at a FOB or a JSS at the time earned EVERYONE that medal but only the select few that were higher rank got this medal.

I don't get it...a lot of soldiers give their entire lives to support the military and yet they get treated like garbage...if you listen to the guys at our WTB they all feel the same "The Army used us up and now is treating us like garbage" is the growing thought among these soldiers...the military has to step up and make right by our soldiers and our Wounded Warriors...they did what was asked of them and now its time set things right...if they earned and deserve a medal give it to them...if they didn't earn or deserve the medal don't cheapen the medal by giving it out to everyone...people have to earn things and realize they did something important for that medal..not because they're a SFC(E-7)...

I don't know maybe my problem is I think to much.....

Sometimes...

I forget to warn my husband that I'm gonna make some noise...its hard when going through the cabinet looking for a pan and one falls and I know my husband jumps and has a small panic attack. We have a steam mop that makes weird noises and it freaks my husband out..even though he watches me plug it in and I remind him that it's gonna make its noises it still causes a bit of an issue...I've watched my husband flip when a car backfires or a firework goes off...its hard to protect him from the outside influences let along the inside influences...

Its almost a routine that when I go into the kitchen I let him know "Hey going to pull out some pans so if you hear something drop don't worry its me"...but I also know and cringe when a cookie sheet falls and its the floor or even a pan and I run back into the living room and hubby has a bit of a panic look on his face...which makes me feel horrible...

Its hard to adjust your life around PTSD...things most people take for granted..like dropping a cookie sheet by accident and not freaking out their soldier..we have to worry about...we don't get to enjoy the 4th of July or New Years Eve fireworks because the sounds remind him of gunfire...he has never seen our daughter march in a football game or parade because of the crowds and noise...which makes her sad and it makes my husband sad knowing he can't handle the noise or crowds...

Learned something new...

For those that don't know I've been taking a new program that was started here at Ft Riley..its called the Resilient Spouse Academy...basically the gist of it it is to make us spouses more knowledgeable about what resources are available and if we have a friend in need we can direct them to where they need to go...which for a lot of new and even a few older wives is a huge help since there are a lot of programs out there...

The one program that will mentally and physically drain you is the the Asist Program...this is short for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training...you are trained to be able to help in a possible suicide situation...we are called Gatekeepers once we finish this 2 day training...and let me tell you...this will make you cry due to the emotional toll...you have to face your fears and be put on the spot to talk someone out of a suicide situation..granted it is a instructor acting but you are put on the spot to try to connect with a person that is despondent...and it's pretty scary esp when you've been at the point...I plan on taking the 5 day course which will allow me to train in the Asist program...I think we as military spouses need these programs...we need to know the signs and how to help each other and our spouses, esp with more and more soldiers coming home with horrible disabilities both mental and physical and their thoughts are "why live"...

Hopefully in the next year the Army has this program at every post worldwide...this is one program that all Army wives should take...yes the husbands are made to take it, it's also known as Battlemind..but we as wives, women turn to each other in our times of need and we can help each other...