I forget....

Some days I forget that I have a good life...

the days when everything feels like it's going to crush me and I can't breathe are the days I need to remind myself that life is good...the past week has been extremely rough on not only me but the husband...we hit a huge milestone for him in the fact that he celebrated the 10yr anniversary of the invasion and that stirred a lot of memories that I don't think even now he's ready to face.

Unfortunately it also stirred a lot of memories in me of almost 10yrs of putting up with PTSD and a TBI...the effects that have had on my husband and our marriage..and I felt myself becoming angry all the time..living this life is nothing I would wish on anyone...let me state ANYONE! We have had to struggle to find ourselves in the turmoil of PTSD...we've lost our marriage a few times, we lost sight of each other and there have been a few moments when walking away seemed so much easier than fighting anymore.

This past week made me step back and look at how much hurt and pride I've had to swallow because I knew that what my husband was saying and doing wasn't totally him...in 9yrs of marriage you can say some pretty harsh things and do some pretty stupid things..but in 9yrs one person does become beat down, angry and extremely hurt. I love my husband...I love the man he was when we first met and the man he is now, sometimes I don't like that man but I do love him.

We aren't a statistic...we are a couple who found each other in the midst of craziness...we fight, we love, we get hurt and we hurt back...but in the end of the day when the house is quiet and I hear him breathing while he sleeps I know that my life is good because at the end of the day I still have him.

It's been awhile...

I haven't been writing in a very long time..I needed to step back and focus on the craziness known as my life. Each day it's a struggle to find some sliver of normalcy in our life, but I do find it.

In the past year we have had some amazing highs and some devastating lows..I've lost more friends and gained 1 friend in their place. We have settled nicely into our little house and for the most part we enjoy the little niche of our life.

Our son is now in West Virginia working as a coal miner and seems to be finding his path in this world..and hopefully each day he finds the right footing to continue on that path. I miss him daily but I know in my heart he will be a better adult for this...

Our daughter is getting ready to graduate in a few short months and head off to SCAD(Savannah College of Art and Design) as a freshman. I'm not sure how I feel about this huge change in her life..and mine! I've gotten so use to having her as my friend/WalMart buddy that when she moves into the dorm I'll have no one to go with me. I will have to call and make plans to see her. The one thing I'm thankful for is that she will only be 25 mins away from home.

The husband is about the same..he struggles with sleep, with crowds, with driving and the normal things we all take for granted. Somedays I see a small part of the guy I knew 9yrs ago, before he started to go down hill. I miss that guy! I am now his fulltime VA caregiver which is a hard balance to figure out between wife/caregiver and a lot of the time the line is blurred. But I have faith that we will find his place in this normal life.

Hopefully each day life gets better...

Where do I fit in?

Have you ever felt that there is no place for you in the world? Like you just don't fit in anywhere...I've been feeling that way for years. Where do I fit in with society, which my family and even my friends.

I hate the looks of pity I get from people when they find out that the husband is injured and the looks I get when they find out he has PTSD. It seems that PTSD has made me out of place with everyone. If he was missing a limb it would be different we wouldn't be given those looks or comments because then that justifies to people that he was injured and there for its understandable for him to have PTSD or even depression. Now let me say that I would never ever wish bodily harm on anyone, we know guys that have lost limbs and they are amazing men who have overcome their losses and keep improving themselves and the world around them.

Somehow PTSD has defined who we are...how we live our lives and how we interact with people. PTSD has made me question my own self worth because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere..I can't just pick up and go somewhere for a few hours without worrying and making sure that everything back home is fine..I can't feel like its OK to enjoy some down time because I worry and then usually something does happen..so the people I once considered friends have long since abandoned me and the few people that have stuck with through this have a hard time understanding my life at times and I don't blame them.

I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore..she is a shell of a person that has long been gone, this person I see now is consumed by PTSD and the effects it has on not only herself but her entire family. I really hate that I don't belong anywhere...and I don't fit in with society and the normalcy of life...

Thankful

We're in the month of November already..and its half way done. There is a movement on Facebook people are posting daily what they're "Thankful" for each day..

I've learned through the battle with PTSD, mTBI and the Army to be thankful for the small things in life...the way the sun feels on my face, the smile on someone's face when you help them...the smell of fresh cut grass. There are so many things to be thankful for each day. But the biggest thing for me to thankful is my family & my husband...they are my life and soul. We struggle everyday to have our life..to be in a better place and yes it is a struggle but its something that makes us realize just how blessed we are...we have each other. We have the support of our families and friends...and even at the worst times I can look at those facts and be thankful for everything that has happened in my and our lives.

The Fear of the Unknown

This has been a pretty long few weeks...we all face the unknown everyday and I guess its all about how we look into that unknown that shapes our lives...somedays the fear of not knowing whats coming around the corner is pretty scary. Between my oldest going to another state to work and live and not being able to protect him from the world to my daughter going to California for a week without me and me not being able to make sure she takes her phone, watches out for weirdos and all the other mom of teenage girl fears...

Plus as the time moves closer to John's packet being reviewed and sent out to some nameless, faceless strangers my nerves are getting the better of me...it seems we've been fighting to get him here and now the thought of people that don't even know us..or our daily struggles will decide how much money he "deserves"...

The stress and worry about how we'll make it through life is been slowly getting to me...how are we gonna afford a house payment...food...bills...and everything else...I worry about John finding his way in a civilian life that has idea how the life of an injured soldier works...I worry about how the stigma of PTSD will effect him everyday and how people will react towards him when he has a bad day...how do I protect him from the world?

The unknown factors of life is a killer...and the fact that I have no control of our life right now is kicking my ass.

A safe place

I think we all have that one special place that we can go to just to feel better...either in our mind or in a physical place. And its just a place that we don't have to share with anyone if we don't want to...

I have several places that are my safe spots...a few of them are on line and the other is a physical place here on post. When ever I'm stressed or upset I head straight to the outdoor chapel...just to sit up there and to see just how beautiful life can be. Up there you can see for at least a mile in either direction you can see the woods, the Flint Hills and the beauty of the world. I go up there to be reminded that life is beautiful and that through everything life goes on. I know through each step of life there are going to be moments when I needed to be reminded that there are going to be storms and events that I can't change or stop but to see the natural beauty of this world is a reminded that we all have our battles to deal with.

I know that having gone through what we've gone through has made a profound effect on who we are as people...some good and sometimes not so good. I have turned more cynical with the military and the process that is used to "help" soldiers and I have been able to rely on people more when I need help especially when I know I can't do it alone.

I know there is a plan for us...just don't know what it is right now and I'm sure I won't know for awhile...everyonce in awhile a glimps would be nice but I guess I won't push my luck.

Week 3001...

Ok not really it just feels like its taking that long already, yet another fun filled week of appts and driving. Some days I really like I'm just the taxi driver.
Maybe I should put one of those meters in my tahoe and charge John and Kristi for my driving them all over the place...I might actually bank(wishful thinking)

So anyways, this weekend was Fathers Day weekend and it was a pretty quiet weekend here in our house..spent alot of time trying to clean and do other stuff..I know the excitement of my life is beyond words LOL. But hey thats kind of how I "roll"...vaccum cleaner in one hand and car keys in the other :-)..John got his traditional Fathers Day dinner..shrimp,crab, corn on the cob and potatoes and of course strawberry shortcake yum!

We also heard some sad news though Ft Riley has lost 6 soldiers total during this latest deployment to Iraq...this is the most lives lost in several years from this post. It makes me so mad that all those lives were lost in a senseless attack...what did they lose their lives for? Its gotten to the point where the whole meaning/beginning of this war has been lost...our troops go over to Iraq for what reason now...?!? Its just aggervating to know that this generation of military kids are growing up in a world that has only known violance, deployments and sometimes death in their short lives..

All I can say is being in this lifestyle it teaches you to appericate what you have and live for tomorrow because its not always guaranteed...

Phew..what a time...

Somedays I sit here and wonder if there is some little troll sitting at a desk up in some little room wondering who it can mess with...I guess it likes us and our family...well things aren't actually to bad lately..just when we get a step foward we get pushed by 2...but we keep on fighting...

John Update~

John had another mri and it's showing his spine is getting worse...so thats a stress for us..since the options we have for him is surgical or meds...so now we need to figure out what to do to help him manage his pain and figure out what the best option for him is gonna be.

The MEB process is a slow..painful process...up next is the medical narsum..and of course its with a doctor that neither one of us really likes so hopefully its not to bad of a time..and then hopefully by Aug his packet will be shipped off to Ft Lewis Washington..and then everything is completely out of our hands..


Robert Update~

So Robert is up in Ohio for a bit..he got very lucky and got an amazing job offer working with his Uncle Russ so he'll be doing some serious manual labor and working his butt off but he'll make really good money and will have his "fan club" of 2 very cute little girls to follow him around...since he'll be staying with them for the time being..


Kristi Update~

So Kristi Anne is working this summer..between saving her money for a car but she's getting to go to California for a week with a friend of hers and her family so its gonna be kind of weird this will be the 1st time in almost 8yrs John and I'll be alone...Kristi is finding herself being hit on more and more and she's actually got a clever comeback line to the soldiers that want to take her out...she just tells them she has a boyfriend and she's 3 mos pregnant(she's NOT)...LOL...that makes the soldiers run for the hills...gotta love my kid 

And that right now is how life in our household is working...I have frg stuff to work on next week...so sitting down for more then a few mins lately is a wonderful break...

Everyone have a good day~

What a week...

This week has been pretty crazy...full of highs and lows...between doctors appts and getting a senior ready to move on to the next chapter in his life...and preparing for our daughter to turn 17 its just been a lot...

Tuesday I went with our WTB FRSA to the IACH(Irwin Army Hospital) health advisory team meeting to discuss getting a team together to go speak to FRG's about the signs of PTSD/TBI's and where to find the support and help the spouses need to deal with this...it was kind of nerve racking to speak to people that have never had to deal with this and really it doesn't effect them...but in the end I think we got them on our side of thinking and they have agreed that this is an issue that needs to be addressed so I'm excited to this venture to start..I do know I want to get involved with them and find out about the training...so I can go be apart of the group. I think this is a huge step for Ft Riley to acknowledge the severity of these 2 brain injuries and hopefully will help fight the stigma.

Yesterday we had John's PTSD/mental health eval at the VA..talk about 2 of the longest hours ever imaginable..some of it wasn't to bad but then there were other times when he was describing in details what he had experianced on his deployments it got bad for him..I learned a bit more yesterday about my husband and what he's gone through since like most military wives we don't know the full extent of what our guys have gone through while deployed.

Today is yet another busy day for us...John got selected to talk to the IG about issues at the WTB so hopefully with our new commander certain issues can be fixed..not saying that ALL of the WTB is bad just like every unit there are the bad apples that seem to be there to just get the extra money and think they're the greatest thing to hit a WTB ever...LOL...

I get to work on a couple new projects with our FRSA..one I'm super excited about is almost like an "Adopt a Warrior" program..we're gonna get with the local VFW's and kind of pair up a warrior and an older vet and hopefully have them meet up once a week for lunch..coffee..whatever...I know guys like John can't tolerate large crowds so maybe a one on one meeting will work better and it'll help the older vets feel needed and apart of the healing process. And then we're also working on a caregivers day for our WTB spouses at Worlds of Fun so hopefully that'll shape up so caregivers like me can have a small break from our warriors...

This weekend is going to be kind of rough...Kristi Anne turns 17yr old on Saturday and Robert is done with high school...my babies aren't so little anymore...wish there was a way to go back to when they were little...and cute and not obnoxious teenagers..but can't change it so on to a new chapter of life...Robert should be leaving for school in a couple weeks depending on a few factors he'll be local so we can still torture..err..visit him and Kristi Anne will be working almost all summer...

What a week already...I need a vacation :-)

Life as we know it...

I can't believe another week is done...sometimes I wish I could just stop time and relive a good day everyday. This week has had its up and downs like every week here. Hubby got told he's gonna need some sort of surgery on his spine(yeah Army)...either a very invasive surgery that involves deflatting the lung and going in and doing a lot of cutting or something that involves almost like an internal TENS unit which seems like the best option for him..and it comes with a remote control so I can shock him whenever I want...bawahahahahahaha..err....ok

Robert is done to his last week of school before graduation and then off to who knows what..he doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up...hopefully he can stop making bonehead decisions and grow up a bit and then he'll be doing so much better!

The weather here has been beautiful this week..minus a thunderstorm last night which of course had hubby freakin out for a bit which in turned messed with my sleep..blah! And today is the NAMI walk for mental health, super excited about this..hopefully Family of a Vet can start educating people about the effects of PTSD and getting the stigma associated with it to slowly go away..so off to Topeka I go this morning to sit with Stephanie to hand out info and talk to people..YEAH us! I'll post pictures about it later today..

After the walk it'll be a long drive back home and then we start working on pitching more junk...how on earth did we accumlate so much junk?? ARG!! But we're making a dent in the stuff...I hope...well think...who knows!

What a week...

This week has been a pretty steady week..John had to get his epidural shot on Monday and it didn't work his pain is still there and sometimes its worse...*sigh* so our next step is to meet with a Neuro surgeon for possible surgery which makes me nervous since they'll be operating close to his lungs and heart...but hopefully it'll give him relief...that's my biggest hope is that the pain goes away for him...

Tuesday~John got the 1st confirmation letter from the VA letting him know that they got his paperwork started...WOOHOO...it was cracking us up what all reviewing him for..along with the chronic PTSD, back issues and anxiety issues, they're also checking on his TBI, memory loss, sleep issues, heartburn(yes heartburn because of the stress) his headaches, and a few other issues...boy my husband is falling apart. I also subbed on Tuesday to get out of the house for a bit.

Wednesday~ I met with the AW2 coordinator and found out that the original person that was there when John did his intake didn't do her job and had none of his info put in their program and so I got to fill out a lot of paperwork...and bring her his medical records and permanent profile to them...and then we had to go off to Social Security because John can't find his card..so we're sure its floating around in a desert somewhere either in Iraq or Africa..not sure. Oh John got his appt list from the VA..woohoo..for the most part a lot of his appts are here at Irwin but a few are in Topeka so that's not to bad but the price of gas sucks and my Tahoe loves to suck down the gas...

Thursday~ Today I have to meet with my FRSA so we can go over FRG stuff and get some plans in motion to have a potluck next month and a few other things. Get with AW2 (again) so she can go through John's MEB records to get some info and then John has an appt today for yet another referral this one is for going back to the TBI clinic...his memory loss is getting worse and his coordination is off a bit more so that has us both worried.

Along with all this...Kristi is off to Topeka today with the JCHS Concert Band for a band competition...and Robert has all his stuff getting ready for graduation and whatever he's planning on doing after graduation. We're due for a huge thunderstorm sometime today which is gonna make sleeping impossible at my house...all in all it's been a pretty hectic week so far...good thing I absolutely LOVE my family hee hee...and my life :-)

The little things...

So I'm sitting here at 5:53 in the morning...drinking my tea and enjoying the quiet before the day starts...and it got me thinking about all the little things in life that are overlooked each day esp by me because I'm always on the go...sometimes I take for granted this small bit of time in the morning when the dogs are sleeping and the house is nice and quiet.

I also seem to forget to be thankful for days when my husband smiles and laughs...when I see a glimpse of the wonderful man I married almost 7yrs ago...I also forget to be thankful that he's alive...he's here with me and our family...esp when I'm complaining about running around and dealing with appts...and the stress of a TBI, PTSD and his back injuries. I know I absolutely love my husband and even on days when I want to drop kick someone I am so grateful he's home with me.

I see all these young wives dealing with such despair and heartache when their soldiers do not return to them and that breaks my heart. I have followed one extremely amazing wife's very lows and some of her highs since her Marine was KIA on Dec 1,2010...this amazing woman was a newlywed when her world came crashing down around her and yet she's managed to live her life with such class and strength...I am in complete awe of her, her courage to fix life and to keep moving even when she doesn't want to...and I encourage anyone that reads my blog to check hers out...http://katieandchadwade.blogspot.com/ through everything she reminds people to love each other and not to take each other for granted..

So as I write this I know I need to stop taking the little things in my life for granted...my husband's smile and laugh, my kids laughing, the wonderful friends I have in my life..and just life in general...I need to thank Katie Wade for this reminder...because I know on my hardest day when I want to quit and run from life this beautiful amazing woman is facing a life without her soul mate and her heart and she's still doing it with strength and grace.

To steal a quote she has on her page that her husband said I'm gonna finish my blog with this...

"Find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and hold on to with everyone you have" ~Chad Wade

Changes...

Wow I'm having issues today getting started on this blog...we're getting ready to face a LOT of changes in the next few months...so we'll start with the big changes..

1. Robert is graduating in May...he's not joining the Army and has decided to go to college so hopefully he find his nitch in life. He scored a 92 on his ASVAB and could have any job in the Army but plans sometimes don't work out so off to Plan C...college.

2. Kristi Anne is going to be 17 in May also...I can't believe that she's gonna be 17yrs old! She's getting her plans for the next year by taking college prep classes and she now has the goal of working for Pixar as a graphic designer.

3. We met with the VA rep last week to start the VA process of John's MEB. He'll be starting his VA physical and the Comp and Pen. paperwork...which is nerve racking...and a bit of a relief in the fact that things are slowly moving along.


Sometimes I feel like life is out of control..that we're at the mercy of something else besides what we have planned for our lives..I know that with this whole process my control factor doesn't matter and that kind of drives me a bit batty...the only thing I can keep in control is how I look at things and life...I've been trying hard to stay positive not only for myself but for John and the kids...its just kind of weird that 2yrs ago we would of never even thought about an MEB or VA reps or retirement in that scale of life...we had planned on John eventually getting out but most likely not til 20yrs...and I guess a higher power has other plans...

Its strange looking back almost 8yrs when I met John I never thought I'd be in this spot being a fulltime caregiver to him..my husband was always so fit and able to take care of himself...somedays he can still do it but other days the memory loss..the aggervation...the whole process takes it out of him...and I know it takes a lot out of the kids too...we've all started taking a protective stance with John...when we go somewhere we all scan and make sure that we're not only protecting John but the people around because of his triggers...and that makes me sad that my kids have become this way...the only thing I can hope for is that this has taught the kids to be more compassionate and understanding that people can not control things and even if someone doesn't look disabled to look below the skin. We have watched John deterioate in the past 6 1/2 yrs and after each deployment it got worse til the point we're at now...

Ok now on to the positive things of life here...Robert is graduating...WOOHOO...like I said he's not joining the Army but has decided to go to college and get his degree...he'll start out at the small community college here in JC called Barton since they offer free classes to military dependents so thats gonna be a huge help!

Kristi Anne is going to be 17 on May 14th...*sigh* I can't believe how fast time seems to be moving...I remember my chunky cheeked toddler with curly hair...now she's taller then me and straightens out her hair..LOL...

I wish I could stop time just for a bit to enjoy the small moments...but I can't...

Where there is love there is no darkness...

So I found this quote "When there is love there is no darkness"...and it made me realize just how lucky I truly am...my husband is home with me, even in the darkest hours of our life our love makes it easier to see a future...

Our story isn't the one that all fairy tales are based off of..for from it, my husband is not some knight in shining armor that has come to my rescue on a snow white steed to whisk me away from life...my husband is a wonderful, caring and damaged man. He isn't damaged in the sense that you can see his wounds..if you could I'm sure that most people would completely avoid him. My husband tries hard each day to function in what is expected in normal settings which is hard for him since he's not "normal"...most of the world will never have to live their lives the way we do...while families everywhere take for granted a quick trip to Walmart or going to the movies...we have to plan it on quiet days..we don't run out to see the latest movie because of crowds..but then of course most families don't have an injured soldier in their house.

We've turned into "homebodies" in all sense of the word...we do occasionally go out and have dinner or head to Walmart but most of the time its me that goes out into the world alone. I do admit that I get jealous of couples that are walking hand in hand through the stores because I don't get to do that much, I have 1 amazing friend here that will allow me to "kidnap" her so I have someone with me because I get tired of being alone in public.

I've tried hard to not complain about my life..its my life after all. I've known of people that have lost their soldiers and I know I am truly blessed to have my soldier home with me. Sometimes its hard to look at that one fact that he's home when everything else is falling on my shoulders...I carry a huge weight on my shoulders daily but at the end of each day when I look over and see my husband sitting here next to me I know that it's all worth it...I have loved him for 8yrs and each day my love is still there unwavering. So when you sit at home complaining about how your husband/boyfriend didn't take out the trash..or forgot to pick something up from the store remember that he's home and he's safe. And remember those that have their husbands gone..and those of us who's husbands have made the sacrifice of losing a limb, or being injured or the ultimate sacrifice the lives...and give your husband a huge hug and thank him for being himself.

Friends

I'm sitting here...and so many thoughts run through my mind when I think of the word "friend"...and I look back at all the people that have called themselves my friend and in some way or another way they were...but now I know 99% of them I could not call if I needed them.



According to the Wikipedia.com the word Friend(or friendship) ~is a form of interpersonal relationship,generally closer then an association, although there is a range of degree of intimacy in both friendship and association.



Now that sounds so offical and kind of sterile...to me a friend is someone that I can call and if I need a moment to vent I can...and hopefully feel better once I'm done...a friend is someone that understands there are a lot of moments in my life that I can't drop everything to go somewhere or just hang out due to my husband's PTSD...I've lost so many people that I thought were my friends, people that now avoid me or just completely ignore me due to my husband and his medical problems. And that makes me sad...I've dropped things at times to be there for those "friends"..and in the end they have dropped me as a friend

So to those few friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin thank you...to those that haven't I guess I should say thank you also...you taught and showed me what a true friend really is...