What is Hope?

        I've sat here all day asking my self what exactly hope means...by definition hope

1. intransitive verb

2. 1:  to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
3. 2archaic  :  trust

4. transitive verb

5. 1:  to desire with expectation of obtainment
6. 2:  to expect with confidence :  trust

hop·er  noun

hope against hope

1. :  to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment
   
   I can admit I have felt hopeless several times this year, between the huge cut in our income to fighting the VA for the husband to get his pay fixed all the way to worrying about my mom's health the past few weeks. It's been a rough year for our family and yet we've made it through because we have hope that we will get thru it with each other. 
   A week ago I received an amazing phone call from Hope for the Warriors...through the help of some amazing donors I will be getting a workshop built so I can move all my wreath making stuff and crafty supplies out of our home. Making wreaths help supplement a small portion of our household income so to have a space designated for this is huge! I can admit I cried when I was told that this was happening! I also did a lot of over thinking and felt guilty because I didn't think I deserved such an amazing gift. As most of us in the Wounded Warrior community we also know of a family in a much worse situation and we want to help them. That's why I love this community and all the wonderful people who help us. 
   Over the next few weeks and months I will be updating everyone with pictures and blogs each step we take thru this amazing journey. I am extremely Hope-ful that 2016 will be an amazing year full of hope and joy! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

And it's over?

Tomorrow I'll be putting the husband on yet another plane to head away from me..but this time it's not to a country across the ocean but to the state of Kansas to clear Ft Riley. He is finally retiring from the Army. It's hard to wrap the brain around that fact that in less then a few months he will be "offically" retired. Almost 11yrs of his life was spent in the Army. 3 deployments, several years spent the field training, schooling and other random military trainings. And it's done and over with...kind of.

The husband will be put on TDRL, or temporary disablity retirement leave, which gives the Army the chance to pull him back in if they feel his injuries have healed enough to go back on active duty to finish his contract and it also means they can cut his retirement pay also. Which is aggervating...since while his PTSD will eventually get better it will never go away, neither will the TBI or his back problems. But I guess I can't complain since we did come out better with the MEB process then a lot of soldiers.

Now we begin a new chapter in life..a chapter without the Army being the dominate force in our life. No more deployments, no field problems, no more ACU's hanging in the closet or tripping over a flack vest and kevlar sitting on the dining room table. It's kind of surreal to think of how much effect on life the Army has til you sit down and think about it. Now the extra Army gear will hang out in the corner of the garage..which includes way to many wool blankets, uniforms dating back to the BDU's, several etools, and way to much other Army "junk".

I can admit I will miss certain parts of the Army life but we are both looking towards this new chapter of life.

I quit today...(vent)

thats all I have to say is I quit life today...

We go from extreme amazing news to rock bottom bad news, and I know everything happens for a reason but right about now I'm tired of trying to find that reason! All I want to do is a live a normal life without worrying about the "what ifs"... and looking back at the past...

When I met John he was already exhibiting the signs of PTSD and I hoped above all hope that it would go away...then he deployed to Africa and he came home worse...he started drinking everyday, he choose his friends and drinking over me and the kids..he wouldn't have anything to do with us unless he was drinking and didn't have to face the real life...then he became violent towards me and had to be moved out of the house..I begged his chaplain and his 1st sgt for help...not to deploy him, to get him into counseling and of course those pleads were ignored and he deployed for the 3rd time..and he got worse and when all hell broke loose in Iraq and he got into the fight with the LT no one would step up for him..none of the guys he had helped get promoted..had drank with..and pretty much ignored his family for stepped up to be his friend..they ignored him and turned their back on him...I was so freakin pissed. He was good enough for them to use him..to break him and once he broke they wanted nothing to do with him...FUCK Them! I don't give a rats ass anymore about hurting people's feelings...and really they know who they are...my husband freakin bent over backwards to help his soldiers out and in the end he get screwed over by those same people...he was told he was a "Bad Soldier" and that he "Made the Army a bad place"...REALLY????

Maybe that dumbass 1st sgt had been more concerned about a person's health and well being instead of the damn numbers deploying my husband wouldn't be as bad as he is now...wouldn't be considered "unfit" for duty...wouldn't have the nightmares, the flashbacks, the mood swings...who freakin knows because it wasn't about them no one freakin cared!

This is OUR LIFE! We can't go into crowded stores without John scanning people..without freakin out if someone looks at him a second to long...we can't have a normal life because of people ignoring the SIGNS! My husband has had every damn symptom of PTSD/TBI and his chain of command CHOSE to ignore those signs...they choose to put not only my husband at risk but the rest of his squad also... so sick of the Army and the "changes" they're making now after the fact that all these guys are coming home and aren't fit for duty...kind of a bit late isn't... Sorry if this offends anyone but I'm just tired of trying to tip top around people's feelings and in the end its my feelings that get hurt...I just don't care! I want a normal life..I want that house with the white picket fence...and it will never happen...Yes I chose to stay married to my husband and I chose to stay everyday...so yes this is my life and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna live my life and try to be happy...hopefully one day my husband will come back..the man I married he's there deep under PTSD and TBI..he's there...I just have to keep hoping that he can break through the darkness and ugliness of PTSD & TBI...

It's Monday...

and there is SNOW on the ground right now...the last time I looked we were in Spring *sigh* but that's Kansas for ya... So back to the Monday and the start of yet another busy week...today is Occupational Therapy and therapy for the hubby...OT is suppose to help him set his goals and figure out his plans for "Life outside the Army"...which really??? When we don't have a date as to when that life will start it's kind of hard to make those plans but hey whadda I know...LOL... Tomorrow is the exciting day..hubby gets to go to the MEB briefing which is a huge sign that his process is almost over with..WOOHOO...doing the happy dance *which thankfully no one can see*...and we also meet with his case manager to drive that man crazy with more questions :-) then Wednesday is more MEB stuff...and some other appt that I can't remember off the top of my head... The last few nights hubby has had some problems with sleep..either getting to sleep or staying asleep which means I've been having problems with sleep also. His nightmares have been getting worse and he talks in his sleep a lot, I think the stress of the MEB and the pending future is showing itself that way. We have so many plans and ideas we went to get accomplished before and when he gets out and sometimes I have to remind myself that he can't handle the stress like I can...so I have to back off and let him point out what he wants to do. Ohhhh But on a GOOD note~ my fabulous brother got the ball rolling for our house hunt..after trying and trying and getting no where we now have a FABULOUS realtor and our preapproval for a mortage so now we can house hunt and have some direction...I can't wait to buy our house and have the stress of the Army not in our lives on an hourly basis...

The Many Faces of PTSD...

So I haven't written in so very long...but after yesterday I need the outlet today...

As I sit in my living room surrounded by a lot of memories, some great and some very scary thanks to a 3 headed beast called PTSD that I have yet to conquer, I have 2 very special friends that are dealing with that beast right now...

PTSD is a very hateful thing that haunts, tortures and sometimes destroys lives and the people being tortured by her...

You can't look at a person and see the wounds and most times you can't even be around a person and tell they suffer from PTSD...if we could see the wounds that this injury inflicts I'm pretty sure the wounds would be horrible. PTSD turns a lover into someone you hate, a husband into a battle foe, a father into an indifferent person..."she" doesn't care who "she" injuries or the devestation that is left in her path. PTSD can and will make a person wave around a loaded weapon with no disregard to human life or the possible repercussion of those actions...PTSD can make a man ignore his wife and child and slowly slip away into a life that doesn't include his family...PTSD can and will take over not only the person's life but the life of the family..she is jealous and hateful...she is a miserable person that wants to destroy, to hurt, and wound as deeply as she can.

PTSD has become my husband's mistress...she is the bitch that has a piece of my husband that I will never get back. I think it would be easier if I was fighting for my husband with a real live person of flesh and blood but that's not the case..there is no skank I can beat down and go on with life...she has a hold on my husband that I will never be able to break...though each day her hold is weakening but she will always have that piece of my husband and I really hate her for that...but I love my husband so deeply and truly that I will fight for him and our marriage and life everyday and that bitch is in for a battle because my husband will not be lost to her...