And it's over?

Tomorrow I'll be putting the husband on yet another plane to head away from me..but this time it's not to a country across the ocean but to the state of Kansas to clear Ft Riley. He is finally retiring from the Army. It's hard to wrap the brain around that fact that in less then a few months he will be "offically" retired. Almost 11yrs of his life was spent in the Army. 3 deployments, several years spent the field training, schooling and other random military trainings. And it's done and over with...kind of.

The husband will be put on TDRL, or temporary disablity retirement leave, which gives the Army the chance to pull him back in if they feel his injuries have healed enough to go back on active duty to finish his contract and it also means they can cut his retirement pay also. Which is aggervating...since while his PTSD will eventually get better it will never go away, neither will the TBI or his back problems. But I guess I can't complain since we did come out better with the MEB process then a lot of soldiers.

Now we begin a new chapter in life..a chapter without the Army being the dominate force in our life. No more deployments, no field problems, no more ACU's hanging in the closet or tripping over a flack vest and kevlar sitting on the dining room table. It's kind of surreal to think of how much effect on life the Army has til you sit down and think about it. Now the extra Army gear will hang out in the corner of the garage..which includes way to many wool blankets, uniforms dating back to the BDU's, several etools, and way to much other Army "junk".

I can admit I will miss certain parts of the Army life but we are both looking towards this new chapter of life.

Week 5

So tell me what do you really think about? Honestly....

I've asked the husband that question way to many times and I'm sure spouses/family members and so's have asked their soldiers that same question. I have to admit the past week has been rough and we both agree we could of used this weeks lesson last week..since we both jumped to conclussions based on automatic thoughts..

This weeks lesson was about the thought process..which as times seems pretty scary. There are so many things that go through the human thought process and learning to recognize the way we precieve the world around us will help someone look at the things a bit differently. This lesson is also a great lesson for not only the Vet but everyone around them since we're all guilty of overthinking/over analyzing.

The lesson pinpointed on several different thought processes..to include my favorite one...

The Mindreader~ ugh I hate hate this one...I swear if I could just pull my brain out and let the husband see that he can't read my mind! Which then in turn leads to fortune telling..just because I said something 1 time doesn't mean that everytime I get upset I'm going to say the samething. I know we've all done something in our thought process that pushes us to look at a negative thought more then the postive thought. We need to step back and reflect on our thinking.

The cool thing about this weeks lesson is it shows you how to set up an Automatic Thought Record...it makes you sit down and record your thoughts..
it helps you identify the sitution and go from there to figure out a solution and how to work through the thoughts you were having them and why. And helps you be more PROACTIVE!

The most important lesson to take from this week's program is * Stop and refect what you're thinking*..if you can stop and and think about why you're feeling a certain way and think about ways to learn from that thought process you're on the right road. It doesn't come easy and it will take a while to get in to that automatic process but with a bit of work it can be done.

Now to work on the husband with this...he and I are both pretty guilty of thinking something that isn't right..getting mad, upset or whatever and then acting on that. The husband is willing to try to write down his thoughts in his own Automatic Though Record so that way he can see in writing what he was thinking and how he reacted to it. I will scan and add his ATR later this week so I can show an example. The husband has admitted that there are some fine points to this program. He has enjoyed it to a point but sometimes it pushes him beyond his comfort level and therefore makes him feel and think things he's not ready to deal with it. Which with the help of his therapist we can point out to her. So this site is a helpful tool and the lessons each week pushes the husband to realize that he can get help and its not a sign of weakness.

http://www.vetsprevail.org/

Week 4

Lets talk about feelings,emotions and moods...yes feelings, emotions and moods! Which for most guys isn't something they're comfortable with but throw in PTSD and you've got the blank, deer caught in the headlights look, well at least I do.
This week's lesson dealt with understanding feelings, moods and emotions. And separating the 3 and how to learn how each of the 3 effect you daily. This lesson encourages the Vet to write down daily how they're feeling and tracking their feelings.

It also has the Vet sit quietly and just take in a few mins to become aware of their surroundings and to recognized the feelings that they are feeling all the times. From happiness to sadness..which of course according to the husband made him feel like a dork..simply because it forced him to sit down and focus on the feelings he pushes aside.

The biggest push with this lesson is the accept your feelings, to understand that its ok to have the feelings you have and to respond to your feelings, emotions and mood in a healthy way. And that you can't get rid of the feelings but you can learn to handle them and own your emotions.

This lesson gave some great techniques for handling stressful feelings, from just sitting quietly and focusing on everything around you and becoming aware of your emotions, the controlled breathing technique, a simple mediation that once again the husband said made him feel like a dork but he was willing to try it. 

All in all this lesson was I think one the best he's done..it made him focus more on the emotions and feelings he has daily and to understand that they are his feelings and its normal to feel this way but to use the techniques to help when he's having a rough patch.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help..there is nothing wrong to accept that sometimes you can't handle everything by yourself and asking for help doesn't make you weak. It actually makes you a stronger better person.

http://www.vetsprevail.org/

Week 3

OK so I'm kind of dragging behind a bit...we can blame that on the holidays and dealing with the MEB (awww the joys) but we're back on schedule..kind of :-)

 So the husband worked on week 3 last night...it was a rough night for him to focus due to him getting his ratings back and it showed on his assessment. He got a 2 out of 5 and that kind of made him a bit upset but through the program there is always a positive support even before you start talking to your peer support. Which is he needs to do today.

 Week 3's lesson focused on how he spends his time and how to work through the bad parts and focus on the positive. Which is something I know he needs to learn more about. A lot of soldiers/Vets who suffer from PTSD its hard to pull themselves out of that dark well of negativity and realize that there is something out there that is good.

 This also allowed some great open conversation with us..it made him realize that he does focus on the bad more then the good facts of life and what he has.

I do notice a change in him each week..between working with the program and his therapist the 2 have helped him take a step back and re-evaluate rash decisions and to take into consideration the tools that are available to him.

Week 4 is scheduled for the 23rd of Jan...and no more delays. Promise..well OK won't promise but we'll try our best

https://www.vetsprevail.org/

Alone...

Some days it doesn't seem like I'm alone because I'm running around taking care of everyone and everything but when I have a moment to sit down and look at my life...I am totally alone.

Living a life ruled by PTSD is a very lonely life...not because of anything that people do but because 99% of the population doesn't understand PTSD...living a life that has PTSD in it is very hard. Its not something done on purpose on our part or anyone else but we isolate ourselves due to the fear of ridicule/misunderstanding or a PTSD meltdown so we draw into ourselves to protect not only us but the world around us.

Walking through a store, mall or where ever we are surrounded by people that greet each other, chat with their friends in the middle of isles and we're just trying to side step their conversations to get the husband home before something happens because of the anxiety level heightens each minute he is stationary.

These are the days when I hate PTSD the most...I would love to be able to go out and socialize with other people, to take my husband out and not have to worry about the what ifs...these are the days when I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a week because I am totally alone in this life.

Week 2~Dec 26

So level 2 turned out to be a bit frustrating and it wasn't really anyones fault. The husband started doing his program but due to the servers having problems he had to restart a few times and then couldn't finish a few of the modules due to the servers having to rest. I'm sure due to the holidays that was the problem. Also we did find out the hard way that there was no peer to peer chat yesterday either due to the holiday so that was kind of frustrating for the husband since he really felt the need to connect to someone due to the holiday stress. But once again due to the holidays its completely understandable.

Level 2 is discusses how to build the skills to identify and manage negative thoughts/feelings in his life and how to manage them better. It once again included the interactive video and the husband seems to like that due the fact that he is involved with the program its just not some video telling him to how to fix things it actually helps him figure it out and gives him a chance to be directly involved with the solution. But once again due to the holiday he didn't get to finish level 2 yet so that is what he'll be doing today.

We are still very impressed with the amount of information that his program has. The good thing is each program is geared towards each individual and not just lumping everyone into one group since each PTSD case is different, each experiance is different from soldier to soldier so that is a huge help. It makes my husband feel like this is HIS program and its meant to help him. Not try to fit him into a round hole when he's a square peg so to speak. He is actually looking forward to working on each level weekly and with the weekly reminders he knows what day he has to work on it and so forth. And once again the option to be able to put the laptop down and walk away if he needs that small break is there for him.

So hopefully today he can finish this level, connect with a peer coach and to start applying what he's learned this week into real life.

Here is the link to the Vets Prevail website.

https://www.vetsprevail.org/

Twas the Night before Christmas

A friend shared this...so I figured I'd post it. Hope everyone had an amazing Christmas!

T'was the night before christmas, and all through the FOB
Not a creature was stirring, not even a working dog.
All but the night's guards were asleep in their CHUs
Dreaming of ETSing and no more ACUs.

When suddenly above the peaks, a roving guard did see
a bright red light that filled his heart with glee.
for he knew the red beacon belonged to a nose
of Rudolph who led Santa to visit the Joes.

The guard called the TOC, to pass on his sighting
Of Santa's visit in the midst of all the fighting.
Grunts and POGs arose from their slumber
To give Jolly Saint Nick a greeting by the numbers.

But suddenly another flash lit up the night.
A rocket from insurgents in search of a fight.
For the Taliban knew not the joy of the season
And sought to cause chaos without logic or reason

Their rocket flew true, and struck the red sleigh
A cowardly attack for which they'd soon pay.
Santa and his reindeer crashed on a high slope
The landing was hard, but the troops held out hope

The whole base was now on high alert.
Everyone hoped Santa hadn't been hurt.
QRF deployed, to retaliate with haste
And to the crash site, the SAR birds did race

presents lay strewn about the crash scene
but Santa and his reindeer were nowhere to be seen
Over hill and dale, the soldiers did look
Inside every cave, cranny, and nook

After an hour of searching, the troops thought with distress
Santa had been captured, the night was a Taliban success
But the troops didn't give up their perilous mission
They would not rest until they found Santa's position

For every troop saw Santa as one of their own
And they wouldn't rest until they brought the man home.
When finally word came as a red signal flare
And every troop knew Santa was in despair

From the Eleven Bravos, salty as dogs
To the Forty Two Alphas stuck at the FOB
To the Sixty Eight Whiskeys, aid bags in hand
To the Ninety Nine Zulus, hidden in the sand

And the Eighty Eight Mikes, Thirty Five Mikes and Foxes
And the Ninety Two Yankees with their stacks of boxes
The Thirty One Bravos, Thirteen Deltas too.
Soldiers of all MOSes knew just what to do.

They loaded up their MRAPs and M-ATVs
And spun up the Blackhawks, Chinooks and 64D's
The whole Brigade pushed up the hill
Powered by a sheer force of will

When finally they reached Santa's location
And laid down cover fire for his evacuation
They loaded the man on a CASEVAC chopper
and gave the Taliban an ass whoopin' good and proper

Before dawn it was clear the battle was won
The surviving enemy had decided to run
Santa survived the night with nary a scratch
The troops joked that he too earned a combat patch

He chuckled with joy as he boarded a new sleigh
Then somberly said "Soldiers, I must be on my way"
"Like all of you, I have to put mission first,
Even after this night that was surely my worst,

"But what I do can't hold a candle to yours,
For I've never been deployed on multiple tours,
And I'm only away from Mrs. Claus for one night,
And I don't wake up every day expecting a fight,

"And I know your job is hard, tiring and tough,
And the conditions you live in to be truly rough,
And so for Christmas, I bring a special gift,
That should ensure your vict'ry to be swift."

And with those words, he departed the base,
With many FOBs to go, he picked up the pace.
The soldiers gathered 'round the small present, bewildered.
And wondered what advantage Santa Claus had delivered.

The base commander unwrapped the package with care
And then for a moment, the General simply stood there
For the package contained an old parchment scroll
That the officer carefully began to unroll.

He read for a moment, mumbling aloud.
Then he turned to his forces, whom had formed a crowd.
"Merry Christmas, Soldiers," he said with scroll in hand,
"I'm holding the Naughty list for all of Afghanistan!"