Goodness...

My gosh...I just realized I haven't written in almost a month and what a month!

Our greatest news is we're buying a HOUSE!!! YEAH! Super excited about that aspect of our life and super happy about being able to paint and decorate our very own house. No more housing! We're all so excited and we close in a couple of weeks...I can't believe how much life is changing...things are getting better somedays and somedays not so much. But really I can't change anything or would I want to change anything.

We met with the neurosurgeon yesterday and grrrr....that's a whole mess in itself. Since once again we get a whole other diagnoises with what is going on with the husband's back and I have a feeling we're gonna have to fight this one til the very end. I'm just ready to kick someone's butt and be done with it...I just don't get or see how 5 people can see 5 different things wrong with his back. I mean really...and not 1 person can agree with anyone else, they're right and everyone else is wrong. This one leaves me and the husband scratching our heads...so I'm assuming he's off to pt again.


Kristi Anne is a Jr this year and is already loving her teachers and her classes which is wonderful. Hopefully this year the husband might actually get to see her march in a football game with some logistical movement so we can get him away from the crowds.

Life as we know it is getting a bit better...sometimes it doesn't feel like we're fighting against this huge blackness. Sometimes not so much...PTSD has been winning a lot more lately here in our house due to the stress and aggervation which sucks because I hate when it does. She seems to have a pretty good hold 95% of the time on my husband and ugh the fight she puts up to keep him under her control is pretty rough. The 5% that I do have my husband is wonderful...just wish sometimes it was more than that, but I will take what I can and just keep on fighting.

We'll win not just a battle here and there...we will win the war. Or die trying damn it!

The Fear of the Unknown

This has been a pretty long few weeks...we all face the unknown everyday and I guess its all about how we look into that unknown that shapes our lives...somedays the fear of not knowing whats coming around the corner is pretty scary. Between my oldest going to another state to work and live and not being able to protect him from the world to my daughter going to California for a week without me and me not being able to make sure she takes her phone, watches out for weirdos and all the other mom of teenage girl fears...

Plus as the time moves closer to John's packet being reviewed and sent out to some nameless, faceless strangers my nerves are getting the better of me...it seems we've been fighting to get him here and now the thought of people that don't even know us..or our daily struggles will decide how much money he "deserves"...

The stress and worry about how we'll make it through life is been slowly getting to me...how are we gonna afford a house payment...food...bills...and everything else...I worry about John finding his way in a civilian life that has idea how the life of an injured soldier works...I worry about how the stigma of PTSD will effect him everyday and how people will react towards him when he has a bad day...how do I protect him from the world?

The unknown factors of life is a killer...and the fact that I have no control of our life right now is kicking my ass.

A safe place

I think we all have that one special place that we can go to just to feel better...either in our mind or in a physical place. And its just a place that we don't have to share with anyone if we don't want to...

I have several places that are my safe spots...a few of them are on line and the other is a physical place here on post. When ever I'm stressed or upset I head straight to the outdoor chapel...just to sit up there and to see just how beautiful life can be. Up there you can see for at least a mile in either direction you can see the woods, the Flint Hills and the beauty of the world. I go up there to be reminded that life is beautiful and that through everything life goes on. I know through each step of life there are going to be moments when I needed to be reminded that there are going to be storms and events that I can't change or stop but to see the natural beauty of this world is a reminded that we all have our battles to deal with.

I know that having gone through what we've gone through has made a profound effect on who we are as people...some good and sometimes not so good. I have turned more cynical with the military and the process that is used to "help" soldiers and I have been able to rely on people more when I need help especially when I know I can't do it alone.

I know there is a plan for us...just don't know what it is right now and I'm sure I won't know for awhile...everyonce in awhile a glimps would be nice but I guess I won't push my luck.

June 27th...

While that date doesn't mark a huge calender change..or a major holiday where people can get out of work, get presents or have a huge parade. It does mark a change in how people see PTSD and the stigma attached to it. Hopefully this small change will start a social epidemic and will help people change their minds and see that while you can't see the damage of PTSD there are wounds that never heal...they never go away! They are there in some form or another...I know I'm bit late writing this..on June 27th 2011 one of our WTB soldiers was found dead...


The US Congress has declared June 27, 2011 National PTSD Awareness Day..
•2.4% of personnel returning from deployment to the Afghanistan or Iraq war are clinically diagnosed with PTSD;
•17% of Afghanistan and Iraq war veterans exposed to sustained ground combat report symptoms of PTSD;
•PTSD is or has been experienced by 10% of Gulf War veterans and 30% of Vietnam veterans.


Everyday people fight to get help...everyday those people are ignored. What most people that are there to "help" fail to realize is that those people aren't just random numbers in the system..they have names, they have identities..they are Sons, Fathers, Husbands, Mothers, Daughters, Wives and most importantly they are human beings who have gone through something so profound that it has changed them mentally and physically. There has been study after study suggesting that the brain does change due to PTSD. This isn't a fake illness to get out of a deployment or a quick way to get out of the military and collect benefits. 

Everyday there is a vet out in the world feeling like no one understands them...everyday there is a vet who is contemplating suicide..in the month of May our suicide rate went up with 21 potential suicides and 1 confirmed the others are pending investigation(this is only the Active duty side of the Military)...each month the rate is going higher..when do we stop it? When do we help these men and women? If you see someone or know someone that is showing the signs of PTSD please step in help them! Don't let them be another statistic for the Military...


Signs of PTSD:

1. Re-experiencing the traumatic event
2. Avoiding reminders of the trauma
3. Increased anxiety and emotional arousal
4. Anger and irritabilty
5. Guilt, shame, or self-blame
6. Substance abuse
7. Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
8. Depression and hopelessness
9. Suicidial thoughts and feelings
10. Feeling alienated
11. Physical aches and pains
12. Implusive behavior

Down the Rabbit Hole...

Last night before I went to sleep I was just laying in bed with John...and I got to thinking what the best phrase was to sum up my life...and then I remembered the scene in Alice in Wonderland where she was looking for the White Rabbit and she fell down the Rabbit Hole...and then she's in Wonderland. Wonderland for me is the WTB and the MEB process.

That's my life...I've followed my husband from Ga to Ft Riley Ks...through 2 deployments and everything else...and now with everything going on in our lives now it feels like we're just falling...we see random pieces of our lives floating by us and other random things that just doesn't make any sense..hopefully one day soon we'll land back in the real world..til then we're wandering around "Wonderland"..we've had to adapt our lives and who we are to struggle through this new life and we've had to learn our way around a new part of the Army.

Wonderland in the Army as I've discovered is a completely different way of  life..you have to learn to maneuver this life and deal with more unusual people that if you look at them they could be translated into characters...I've decided that the MEB board people themselves are the Queen of Hearts and they sit in their little room looking at peoples stuff and saying "Off with their heads" when they decide that someone is injured enough to get a better rating..my husband is the Mad Hatter for obvious reasons...most of the staff from the WTB kind of remind me of Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb since they seem to repeat themselves over and over and copy what everyone else is doing..just picture about 50 people running around in stripped shirts and shorts with knee socks..pretty humorous. 

The Army is the Jabberwocky ~Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!" The Army has her claws in my husband til whenever so we have to be careful of this beast...and hopefully one day he can pick up the vorpal sword and slay the beast til then we hide and avoid it..

How do you do it??

I've heard that statement many times in the past few years...some people don't believe that I'm still staying with my husband through his drinking..his anger..his ups and downs.

Its pretty simple...I LOVE my husband. Through the hell of deployments, field time and the diagnoses of PTSD, mTBI and his back injury...I couldn't love anyone else as much as I love him.

Somedays it would be easier to run away and not look back...and sometimes I just want to run away. But in the end there is love..love keeps me here day after day..love is what keeps me with him by his side.

Love is not a choice..and I love my crazy husband.

Week 3001...

Ok not really it just feels like its taking that long already, yet another fun filled week of appts and driving. Some days I really like I'm just the taxi driver.
Maybe I should put one of those meters in my tahoe and charge John and Kristi for my driving them all over the place...I might actually bank(wishful thinking)

So anyways, this weekend was Fathers Day weekend and it was a pretty quiet weekend here in our house..spent alot of time trying to clean and do other stuff..I know the excitement of my life is beyond words LOL. But hey thats kind of how I "roll"...vaccum cleaner in one hand and car keys in the other :-)..John got his traditional Fathers Day dinner..shrimp,crab, corn on the cob and potatoes and of course strawberry shortcake yum!

We also heard some sad news though Ft Riley has lost 6 soldiers total during this latest deployment to Iraq...this is the most lives lost in several years from this post. It makes me so mad that all those lives were lost in a senseless attack...what did they lose their lives for? Its gotten to the point where the whole meaning/beginning of this war has been lost...our troops go over to Iraq for what reason now...?!? Its just aggervating to know that this generation of military kids are growing up in a world that has only known violance, deployments and sometimes death in their short lives..

All I can say is being in this lifestyle it teaches you to appericate what you have and live for tomorrow because its not always guaranteed...