Been a long while...

Goodness its been several months since I've written and its been some very loooong months...



The husband just got home from an inpatient treatment facility in Colorado...it was a 28 day program...he had some really rough times there and some good times there...I was so very hopeful this program would at least start my husband on the healing path..but I just dont see it...

In the past week since he's been home his mood swings have been horrible..one day he realizes he needs to get his med board and knows what he needs to do then the next day he just doesnt care about anything...because of everything I'm taking a leave of absence from my job to try to help him get on a steady keal...I just dont think its gonna help to much...I have the option of quitting my job but I'm also worried that if he doesnt start doing what needs to be done he'll end up being chaptered out because he just doesnt care and then without me having a job we'll be screwed even more then we already are...

I'm so frustrated with things...I need a good cry and damn it I dont have the time to do it..I have to take care of everything and everyone ..and I have no help from anyone...ARG!

so brunt out...

now i know the husbands mood changes and stuff arent his fault..but god damn i'm tired of dealing with it at times...i'm tired of trying to keep everyone and everything going in this house by myself! i've seen him maybe 5hrs this week because all he does is sleep...and when he's up all he does is bitch about everything and everyone...i'm tired of it all...its bullshit...sometimes i hate living my life on eggshells because we still have no freakin clue whats gonna turn him into a total asshole towards everyone...

all he does is bitch and complain about how his life sucks..how people piss him off...yadda yadda yadda...its slowly making everyone in our house avoid him..no one wants to be around his ass anymore...

sorry about the vent..i just need an outlet...before i pull my freakin hair out and go running for the nearest airport to hide out somewhere...

when it rains it pours...

Ok...dumb question of the day...

"Did you ever think you'd be married to someone that has PTSD and is mentally unstable?"

Really I got asked that question...which in turn made me think for a split second before I opened my mouth with the smart ass response...

So my brain ran through alot of things...ccbut the 3 I remember are...

1. Who the hell says when they're growing up...when I grow up I wanna marry some guy that will be deemed mentally unstable...Yea buddy...

2. How on earth can people say stupid things like that...if they really lived my life I dont think they'd ever ask that question...

and

3. Can I just bitch slap you?

So upon those 3 random thoughts rushing through my brain I responded about how "its always been a dream of mine to marry some crazy soldier who can't handle crowds..can't handle being around people...that I have to monitor like I would one of my own kids...and I just LOVE how people that are living this life have the nerve to ask randomly dumb questions"

Now mind you this was just a random question while I was waiting the results of my great dane's xrays and labs since she's very sick...and the husband had been on the phone with his case manager and some nosey woman over heard some of his convo before he left to get our son to work...ok so I completely understand convo's are gonne be overheard but good lord...good thing she said it AFTER the husband had left...some people...

On a more sad note..keep my beloved dane in your thoughts...she might have bone cancer..we'll find out on weds the vet at Kstate is doing a biopsy and some other stuff..there goes the savings...good thing we love her gimpy butt...hmmmmmm I have a "disabled" husband why not a "disabled" dog...I need a drink now...

so its summer...

and i'm off for a few months which means i get to go with the husband to his appts...and we're still getting the runaround when it comes to appts and all that stuff...we still have no one telling us when/and if he can medically retire yet..people that are in charge have no clue..and its frustrating as snot...we cant move forward with our plans without knowing if he's gonna get to retire...and i have a feeling we're gonna have to fight to get his retirement since the army isnt gonna want to pay him retirement for ptsd...grrrrrr....so far the past couple weeks have been decent...we met with his case manager last week(eye rolling) she just rubs me wrong..she just looks at my husband like he's a number and not a person and just another thing to push out of her office and move on to the next soldier...his occupational therapist was a..hmmmm...dingbat to put it nicely...very immature...was not impressed with her...i realize this is all new to the army but really it would be nice to find people that are qualified to do their jobs and to act their age when they are at work...either that or i'm just pretty harsh simply because this is my husband..this is our life that is in limbo because of everything that he's gone through in 3 deployments...i dont know...

i'm just very aggervated at the army...i just dont understand how the higher up's choose to ignore all this til we had soldiers killing themselves...and innocent people...then they decided they need to do something and still soldiers are told they're "faking" or "trying to get out of a deployment"...we've heard alot worse from the husband's old chain of command...basically my husband was alienated by people he thought were his friends...guys that he went to bat for to get promoted...to help them out now have nothing to do with him...he's gotten no support from those people...i guess its sad to say but 90% of the people in the army are out for themselves...and screw anyone that helped them out...sorry for my vent its just so aggervating to look at my husband knowing that he's been screwed over and he just doesnt care anymore....

worried....

so the last few days have been rough...husband's memory is getting worse..he's either forgetting to take his meds or just not wanting to take them...which in turn is making his anger and depression worse...his case manager(he got a new one) has been no help at all..which sucks because she's suppose to be his biggest help and well she's not...its frustrating to feel like we're starting back over trying to get him the help for his PTSD...we get over one hill just to find a bigger one behind it...his counseling isnt doing as much either but really they have true veterans with PTSD in a group with soldiers that just cant cut it in the army...guys that have never gone anywhere...but basic..ait and well to ft riley...our next option is for the husband to go to the VA hospital in topeka for a 7 week program...he'd be inpatient there and get to come home on the weekend, which sucks because he doesnt function well without me around for some reason...

today was a scary day...i got home from work and husband was sleeping..which is not unusual because of his meds..but he slept 4 hrs..woke up thinking it was tomorrow morning..he couldnt remember what he had done today...it took him about 40 mins to remember small things..so now i'm worried about leaving him and if this happens again...i'm just glad tomorrow is my last day of work for the summer...because i'll be able to go to appts and stuff again..i love my job but i feel bad because i cant go with my husband to all his appts...and really i need to work...not sure what to do most days...

i guess thats it for now...i'm sure there will be more by saturday...we have a few appt tomorrow and friday...

hello may!

yeah! a new month has arrived...john has finally inprocessed into the WTB and now has plenty of support from the staff with his appts and all that fun stuff...which will be a huge help in the next few months..he has to see a neuro doctor in a couple weeks and he has to go back to see his doctor to get some more blood work done up...hopefully next week we'll finally get the results of his brain scan...without any major computer issues..or anything else...

in 2 weeks our daughter turns 16yrs old...she's gonna have some friends spending the night..which should be interesting...in our little housing unit...and i know her big brother will be hiding out in his room..lol...and i'm sure john will be there too...

ugh...so the entire computer system at irwin and all the clinics were out..go figure so now we have to make another appt to find out the results...and of course john's regular doc is still out sick so...i hate waiting...but thats the joys of the army..hurry up and wait..and of course my nerves are killing me so i've been up and down all night..and now completely up at 4am...yuck...its gonna be a very long day with my kinders...hopefully they are all in good moods...and oh yea today is 80's day at school...should be interesting to see all the cool outfits...and feel really old...lol...i guess today is one of the good days in our lives...